Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Variety in love

Every love is different, was very different in my experience. There were always those unique characteristics which made a relationship turn in various directions. Still many relations are build on illusions because what we truly desire seems to be too far out of reach while loneliness grows stronger and makes us settle for less and less in love but where do we draw the line? When do we finally realize that we need something deeper, realer, sweeter? Well we don't until that special someone comes along and makes us realize its what we've been craving for all along.

Many times I have caught myself settling  for less, usually I adapted as I kept my mind on the same position thinking "he will change" well that is something I said goodbye to nearly two years ago. You can't change a person even if they say their willing to that doesn't make it possible. Someone's personality is the thing you either love or don't because the way someone think's can't be changed.

I think in life you meet certain souls who you are meant to meet not because they're meant to be but simply because they teach you things. Good and bad things with high and low meanings I think therefore all love will always be different and feel different with each person. I have met "The dreamer" he taught me to think out of the box to dream louder no matter what people tell you. "The artist" I learned from him how to use who you are to create a bit of truth in the world and it doesn't matter how you do it with words, paint or music it simply doesn't matter as long as you use your creativity to accomplish something real. "The cheater" He taught me that you should be careful with who you trust and give your heart. "The fairytale" He made me realize that if something seems too good to be true it usually is. So last but not least there was "The illusion." Perhaps the most important one of all of them since he made me understand that you can't change a person.

For most people its easier to fall in love than to love well its different for me often I didn't feel the butterflies or the stars or all those little things people describe feeling when they're in love. I think I have loved more than the being in love which is strange since usually you can't have the one thing without the other. Currently as many of you readers probably already know I have a boyfriend since March this year and he made me wonder about love a lot. The relationship we have is like a small treasure to me since I have never had this kind of relationship it has sweet written all over it and sometimes I don't even believe its real.

I always have been someone that just knew when someone was the one for me and I think "The one" does exist but not in the way most people believe. I think you don't meet him just once that would be way too easy because you change during life and so does what you are looking for but I do believe that when you finally find him that this kind of love can last forever and yes I do believe in forever while most of the cynical's out there don't since life itself isn't forever. Still I don't care I believe love lasts longer than the air, the earth, the sky and everything around us.

So what is love exactly? I think it is all the things you don't need words for like: The sigh right before a kiss, the listening without something is being said, the staring in someone's eyes while wanting to know all of them, holding each other through sleeping, being vulnerable, truthful and doubtless about your feelings.

When I met my current boyfriend or even before we met since we have been talking before actually seeing each other I already felt many things and I always make myself these promises before first dates like not expecting much and definitely never pronouncing love out loud on a first date. I'm such a bad listener even if I'm the one who made those rules usually I don't follow them. I loved him the moment we met and yes that is a cliche of romantic movies and even in there they are careful with expressing it so what was the wise thing to do? Well in love there are no rules or wise things to follow actually so I was kind of lost. I felt butterflies and stars and all those things people talk about when describing being in love and that from the moment we met. I have felt nearly the same just once before him that same intensity of love and being in love. There was this voice in me telling "He's the one" that voice had been quiet for quite some years so it was special and we didn't even kiss yet can you imagine how I felt when we kissed it only confirmed my heart even more. Its a rare feeling that he awoke in me and I promised myself to never feel like that ever again after the first time. I would never give a man a position in my life to hurt my most vulnerable part ''my heart'' I broke that promise I pronounced love on the first date and it could have gone wrong instantly since nothing can make a man more scared than the words "I love you." I can't deny that it was awkward and I don't recommend this to most people but I wouldn't have done it differently nothing of it because I did love him already on our first date and I still do every second of the day I get reminded of that.

We have the "I can't live without you" kind of love its dangerous, strong, light and heavy at the same time. He lights up my world with his smile and his crying would hurt me just as much as my own tears would. He's someone I would kill for or be killed for, the very first thing I think of before going to sleep and right after awaking and when I feel sad and that is quite much these days he's there for me and that alone makes me so happy that my sadness rests and lies the pain down next to me instead of in front of me. I need him to show me the sun when it only rains in me and I know he's nearly the only one who's able to do that. I love how I can be me with him and the way he loves me for being simply that, I love how he is always himself around me and not some stranger I don't know, I love how I can tell him anything from the most stupid joke to the most serious pain my heart carries and the way he holds me through it. I love the moment he awakes me right before he goes to work the whispering "I love you" and that soft kiss on my forehead. I love how safe he makes me feel when I'm next to him and the way he looks at me, I love the way his kiss rests on my lips and the way he touches me through the night. Actually I can't think of something I don't love about him and I never had that before there was always something but this time the page of negativity is empty. Its the good kind of empty although its a bit scary since loving someone so much is such a big risk but for him I take that risk in a heartbeat. I really hope we last forever that our love will remain like this eternally.

Here's a small poem I just loved to write about us two.

We together

We together could be called night and day
they die without each other
are different
yet the very same

We together could be moon and sun
I would be the moon for the dark knows my name like no one does
you would be the sun for the warmth of your skin could warm the coldest star

We together could be the brightest truth
defeating all the lies this world is build upon

We together could turn out to be all the things "real together" in this life stands for.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

My journey in music so far

I'm busy making a new album, this time I want more variety and ever more truth. Since "Freedom of birds" my journey through music has gone further and further although I recorded my first song ever behind a closed door it opened so many. Many times people ask me the question why I write songs?
Well first of all I don't see it as writing I see it as sketching a message and putting it out there like painters do with their portraits. I want every one to be able to find a little part of themselves back in my words and that they feel the sensation through my voice. Touching the truth underneath the fake surface we all breath is all I ever wanted to do and working with people who inspire me and seem to have that ability to make all thoughts vanish has been my dream for the past year.

I have made tracks with so many great artists nearly all of them I can happily call my friends now. I made the amazing track "Beats within a heart" with producer Tyrant Teknology. Made a reversion of the track "For Rome" by Brian Crain. Worked together with the great artist Seth Andrew Kline on the track "Heart strings" who I can proudly call a good friend these days. Made a reversion of "I knew her" by the fantastic Alex Tiunniaev and of the song "Glace of dust" by Luigi Rubino who is also a dear friend of mine and a big inspiration. I had the honor to use compositions of Fabrizio Paterlini, Kai Engel, Andrea Carri, Those who are weary, Davide Biggi, Phillipe Marin and Soft Note.

I met so many beautiful souls on my journey but till now I find the most memorable one Australian composer Pieter Bourke who worked with artists like Lisa Gerrard of Dead can dance who's still one of my biggest inspirations in music already from the age of twelve. What a surprise it was to get an email reply from him it was one of those things you can't ever expect and I jumped of my chair by reading his words I simply couldn't believe it. We are on the moment working on a song together and I just know that its gonna be an amazing mind blowing track. It was so fantastic to talk to him through skype and I remember how incredibly nervous I was but I can truly say that he is one of the most kind and honest artists I have ever had the honor of talking to and I just know we connected and believe in similar things and values in life which is for me personally important because I think if you don't understand each others soul its hard to make something truthful together. In order to make something enchanting you have to enchant yourself first.

Another great moment was when I received an email from Ghosts of Paraguay who might want to work with me in the future which I would find great if that would happen one day.

Also the awesome dj Chris Crysand (Aka Don Lon) reached out to me for an collaboration which was cool to do. It was something different since usually I am more focused on alternative and ambient music but it was fun for a change to do something with techno.

And I am very thankful for the opportunity to collaborate together with Owlin Sanna and Gaz Cloud of duo Cloud and Owl who for my feeling also became my friends. Currently we are working on two tracks together and I'm sure they will be both equally fantastic.

Last but not least I made reversions of the songs "By night" from Sophie Hutchings "Fade" By Heinali. "Everything" By Asfandyar and "Lament" By Balmorhea which is the newest song I wrote dedicated to victims of domestic violence.

My new album will again feature a number of great artists some new, some familiar to me but each song has a meaning and I hope that every one who listens finds their own personal meaning. This album is different from "Freedom of birds" because my musical reach grew and so did the songs on my new album. I am almost one year further from the moment I wrote my first song and I never forget that moment of setting my imprisonment free for a while it felt like I was not in there in that institution I could fly, I could scream, I could pronounce the truth, the missing, the injustice, the pain, the sadness, the lies and that meant everything to me since it was all I had in there it was my only release from that unfair reality. I still wake up sad since my brother and sister are still being kept in a Swedish foster home of course that is unreal and a double feeling I get reminded of it each time I laugh it hurts twice as much as simply crying but after ten months you are out of tears and somehow you try to go on with your life. I do that by writing, singing and creating poetry its the best distraction I ever found, you are so in the moment that time seems to stop sometimes and that is a great feeling.

A lot of things changed I learned a lot of life, love and sadness I want to thank every one for your sweet messages and I want you to know that when I'm feeling defeated and weak I open my email and start reading so thank you for that support. I'm grateful for the kindness I receive for the understanding and for all those little things some of you dreamers tell me each day. I'm gonna share one thing a loyal fan wrote me two days ago

"Angel you make art out of the most difficult pain and you contain it so easily that my heart breaks by hearing your voice. I don't know how you do it pouring tears in your words and turn them into pearls but I hope you will keep on making beautiful songs amazing ones and that many more artists want to work with you because you are fantastic."                                      -Steve Taylor

Thank you so much Steve and all of you dreamers who take the time to write me and support me and my music.

Also what I just have to mention which is a very sweet thing in my life is my current boyfriend he means the world to me and although I know I am sometimes not the most easy girl he is there through everything and that is a feeling I didn't know yet. We love each other so intimately that I hope it will last forever cos although I know forever doesn't exists I still believe in it.

Monday, April 28, 2014

My mother visiting my brother and sister after 10 months

The song I have been able to make because of the beautiful composition Glace of dust by Luigi Rubino. 

That composition really made me able to pour my heart out to describe my mothers sorrow and pain and how she wishes this nightmare to stop. Every one please share this with the world no mother or child should be forced to go through this and the worst part is that its all for the social money system of Sweden. 


I never begged
I never screamed more
I never shouted out 
I never asked for anything 


Don't go
Don't you leave
I wanna keep you
I need you 
I am the veins and you're the blood running out 

Be silent 
Be quiet
You're on each blade 
You're on each blade now

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Happy birthday sweet brother

So its a few minutes past my brothers birthday now he turned eleven years old today. Its so strange the way time keeps passing even while he and my sister are still in Sweden a country so far away from ours. Almost 10 months passed but still that last hug I gave them is present in my mind heavily each day.

Today my mind was with my mom on her journey to see them again. Tomorrow is the big day for 4 hours they're reunited, for 4 hours they will be children again instead of the emotionless broken robots their fosterparents force them to be. I still wonder why? Its that question I will probably never get an answer on neither one of us will ever know the reason although its clearly written on the fosterparents bank account.

I wish I could be there for my mom to hold her when she has to leave them again but at the same time I would never be able to feel that kind of pain. I hope she gets through tomorrow and that she will be back home safely. I still hope my brother and sister will soon be home again.

Sweet brother I hope you had a nice birthday and that you enjoy your gifts, that you are strong when mommy has to leave you and your sister again that you both will be brave like always and that you keep hope even when finding the strength for that seems so hard. You will be home again and hopefully that day is soon.

I love you Annelinyo and Serena and I hope you know that you are always on my mind even when I try not to think of the sadness you are always there.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The waking up this morning

I know I have not been writing for a while guess I was a bit too distracted by love for the right words and I still am I mean I awoke searching for his hands this morning.

I feel alive when we're together being out of the deadly stage I slowly became familiar with. I wish to be the best version of myself for him but the constant competing with myself creates such a restlessness within me still I don't know how to avoid it. I never feared "goodbye" as much as this time I mostly filled the hollowness with more hollow things to stay in front of that moment "goodbye" couldn't sting me but right now the word alone hostages me and my thoughts. I shake by thinking of it, it became a small earthquake in me. The panic breaths free for a while when I'm in his presence its as if life stops from twisting and turning how I love that freedom.

I think of love as the burning flame on an eternal candle it guides you in the darkness, is still visible through the light of day while it makes you fear the rain and each bit of storm cos there is always this chance the flame fades too far. That possibility is lurking on the background and sometimes I wish for a moment of knowing truly our candle will burn forever. I know that is asking for the impossible cos I will never know and that is the cause of the ever blowing storm in me. I am aware that questing everything because of my own doubts isn't an easy thing to deal with. I really try to suppress my constant need for reassurance its just that sometimes I can't trust my own judgement since it failed me in the past. I lose my mind in love and let my heart take over and because of my hearts needfullness I can't really trust it. I'm the kind of person who wants to control my feelings and love is the one thing that makes me forget all about it. As free as it makes me there's this downside of constant fear
"What if he will get tired of me?"
"What if he will find someone less complicated?"
"What if he finds me too suffocating?"

What if, what if I hate those words so much but they're such a big part of me nowadays and when I talk with those few that know me perhaps a bit they tell me not to worry "If there comes a day he wants to leave you then just let him you will have someone else in a minute" Well thanks for the advice if only it was that easy this time but it will not work that way, it did in the past since its easy to go on when someone you don't really love leaves but it would not be able to compare to him. Our being together is different from all the times I was"together" this time it really feels like we are so how do you go on from that? I don't know and that's why I'm terrified for it to end. So to those who think they understand only the slightest bit believe me you don't that kind of advice only tells me how little you know of me. It isn't telling me anything I already know guys are easy to find for me on each and every street corner could be my husband that is not the problem not even part of the problem. It is a matter of fact very easy to understand I want to maintain him and him alone for the rest of my life I don't want someone else I want him and you know what it is not that I can't live without him cos I know I can its just that I would choose not to. We´re all free in making choices and I will always choose him. I know its not good to make someone the center of your own existence yet I wouldn't even want it differently.

I wonder if it is possible to love someone too much I guess it is and even if I could change it which I can't I don't even think I would since I believe there's no such thing as loving halfway. My heart just hopes that our love will last so that I can.

Writing all kind of new things

I´m busy writing new songs and poetry for the moment I find the honesty of music combined with the truth in my words a great combination to proceed with.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Monday morning I left Neverland

I left the fantasy for a while as I went back home this morning with his kiss still present on my lips the whole ride home I thought about the warmth of his body and the tenderness I held more close then I ever did. I don't dream often these days and by that I don't mean that I don't dream but that I can´t think of the images in my sleep as dreams, they are violent painful black pages of missing and longing. Someone asked me how that feels well it feels like a screaming no one can hear within yourself as almost reaching hands but not close enough to hold them. You know the kind of feeling of going under water and then when you can´t hold your breath longer you go up well I never go back up I just don't drown which keeps me dead yet alive enough to pretend to be living.

The moment I entered the front door I left Neverland and was thrown back into reality, there are memories everywhere but you know what I see? Only the broken cracks in each frame instead of the picture and I try so hard to ignore the fact that I miss my little brother and sister, their smell, their soft small hands, their laughter and their overwhelming happiness but ignoring that feeling doesn't mean that it isn't there it only makes it worse. The holding back of tears can´t make em vanish but I´m so good at pretending nowadays that I fool myself while the unspoken truth rests in me.

I miss them so unbearably that it hurts to breath sometimes and the only time that I don´t feel it is when he holds me, when I look in his eyes my mind stops turning and I can laugh sincere instead of faking it yet the being happy kills me on the inside as well cos I know at the same time my mom´s heart is breaking so heavily each minute of the day and I feel that each time I smile. I used to love life so much before my family got separated and I would like to know the reason for it, why me and my family have to go through this kind of pain for their paycheck.

Can you imagine what its like? to be 8 and 10 years old far away from your family while being stuck in a country you don´t belong and talking a different language than you´re used to. I know that my pain can not compare against theirs and they stay so strong as they wake up each morning at 7 am to go to a school where they´re learning Swedish instead of Dutch. They are so incredibly brave and I love them so much but I can only hope and wish that they will be home soon.

New track

Listen to my newest track "Let the angels take their place"

The song is about a love that goes far beyond death and a inner desire to belong forever with that person.

Also please keep liking me on facebook and my website and don't forget to follow me on twitter and soundcloud. Thank you every one

Thursday, March 20, 2014

For "The one" who knows he is.

As I find myself waking up by the sound of your text my thoughts wonder off. I don't easily love something more than being present in someone's mind. I waited in patience staring at empty screens countless so many countless times. Wondering, doubting but you, you don't give me the chance for that since you're always present. Although we're not together all the time there seems to be no absence between you and I there is no distance so far and it would mean the world to me if you would always keep it the exact same for as long as ''we'' are we.

I know that I am emotional, intense and difficult I'm well aware of that fact but if you can handle that I will give you the kind of love which is everlasting, dreamy and fully without regret. This love which some may find too heavy, obsessive and reckless might be what describes me. I hold on so tightly to someone who wants to be hold at the same time the ones who had to leave I let go without telling them a word.

I believe in fairytales, it are the only books capturing the blackest pages which turn to the purest white just because of love and I refuse to believe after hearing so much hearts warning me telling me it doesn't exist well what if it does?
Sure I have felt like this before, more than once or twice what might make the difference this time is that you might actually feel like I.

It takes a lot to convince me, to shelter my heart inside of someone else's is something I haven't done for quite a long time. I do carry the sense you are worth the biggest place in mine.

My life is far from easy ever since my family got separated and destroyed, my mind might be heavy and I cry a lot and you might have no idea how much it saves me to be hold, how much it saves me to just belong inside a kiss and to think of completely nothing to find in your arms the ease and gentle rest. After all the pressure, nightmares, trials but most of all, all the sad. I feel so happy in the moments we spent that I almost feel guilty for it since then it feels like I nearly forget the pain and hopelessness which surrounds each bit.

I really hope that you're not ever going to let me go because as much as I hate to admit it I never needed someone more than I need you right now and I hope you will always be that someone which for me will mean that ''You're the one'' I believe you only find that person when your heart has been broken enough. I can only say I hope mine has so it can stay yours and I want yours to be mine forever more and more and more.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Think of love

I pity those who think they know love,
talking foolishly of it unknowing the core.
Those who wake up together in hatred,
forgotten how to be while acting as if still lovers.

I think of love never fully yet whole.
Its complex form always changing,
and when you think you understand you realize you don't know it at all.

No one knows love for it can't be known only felt.
Its invisible shades can't be gazed upon,
yet it meets you, changes you, makes you whole.
Loves creates while at the same time it takes all.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Thought for tonight

Made a poetic quest with just some random thoughts of mine.

What if

What if my disaster isn't easy enough for you to fit in
my doubts might be too big
my worries too deep

what if my wanting is not what you are used to
perhaps I inhale too heavy
or my lust too loud for you to bear

What if my heart is a too early filled image of you and me
you´re heart might not even be ready
and you´re mind finds it far too early to believe

What if my dreams are too empty for you to find a place
my pain might be out of your reach
and my silence might be too silent for you to sleep

What if the best version of me has to be better
which I can´t change
you might have been looking for someone different then me

What if we're not as similar as we first believed
maybe I annoy you
or we are just not meant to be

What if the fears I hold you can't vanish in me
I might be feeling you slowly letting go
while time steals like a thief

What if my tears are too present for you to dry
perhaps you're not able to fix my broken heart inside
I might I love yours more than you will ever love mine.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The meaning within a rose

Funny I just have to share this. 

This morning I received an email of a good friend of mine and she asked me the meaning behind a blue rose. Of course I didn´t know that from scratch so I looked it up for her and it stands for the "Impossible" apparantly. Immidiately the subject changed since her boyfriend sent her the blue rose her joy went straight to fear and I was just laughing slightly in the background thinking as if a guy would ever think about the meaning behind the color of a rose but we girls we search too much behind things. Although I´m surely different in that way I would just be excited and happy I mean I have been told I was worth roses like a hundred times yet I never received any at all and if I ever will I´m surely not gonna panic about the color. So dear friend I know you´re gonna read this and laugh a little and I hope you finally have surrendered yourself to the fact that someone isn´t going through the trouble of sending you a rose if you don´t mean something to him, guys don´t think that complicated about situations most of the time so just be happy you received one not every girl does although you don´t believe me I know its true. 

So for the ones that are curious here you can read the meaning of those different colored roses.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

In love with love

I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.

I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.

I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.

It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.

What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.

I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.

Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.

Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link

Monday, March 10, 2014

Birthday wish for my little sister.

Today my little sister Serena became 8 years old. I remember the first time I held her in my hands all safe and unharmed by life. I travel to that moment so many times as I hear her laughter and touch her joy in memory and then I see her empty lingering eyes on my screen while my little brother tells her not to cry cos else they can´t talk to us anymore. A broken page inside such a beautiful book they became. I can not even talk about the missing even if I would find the words to describe it I can´t write them down for they would be too heavy for anyone to bare. I can only say I miss her, we miss her, we miss them with every fiber of who we are, who we were.

Its the first time we don´t eat cake and inside my heart I´m singing happy birthday to her hoping she feels it through her sadness as she blows the candles of a tasteless cake. She doesn´t have to tell me or anyone what her wish is since its written all over her face.

My mom will be sitting silently and exhausted in an airplane seat today and tomorrow she sees them for the first time in 8 months and we all know that her heart will be torn appart when she has to leave again. I can´t imagine being as strong as she is. I wouldn´t even dare to go, the confrontation alone would be too unbearable for me I rather stay in the distance from it all. My mom is such an incredible strong woman she just shelters her pain and looks through the fear for just 2 hours of holding them. Those 2 hours will make her 10 years older but she doesn´t mind as long as she finds that bliss and has those 2 hours with them.

I hope every one will keep my little brother and sister in their hearts and please keep wishing for them to be home soon.

I made this song and as usual I recorded it at home in a freestyle way. The words were there hidden in my soul and pain and its all for her, for my little sister Serena who has become 8 years old today. She has her birthday and has to celebrate it with strange people in a strange country and why? To keep Sweden´s social money going. Its 8 months now since I have seen my little brother and sister and I still can´t believe this is happening. Today my family´s heart breaks just a little more since we never thought we would ever have to celebrate a birthday like this. Please keep my little brother and sister in your heart and keep wishing for them to return home soon.


You´re not here today
we can´t blow candles today
oh this shattered cake on the table is too bitter to taste
is too bitter to take
you´re 8 years old now

but your tears are so heavy
you feel so heavy
and I can´t tell you when its over
when its over?
I quest touching this cross chain around my neck
patience strikes we survive in it
but time
oh time
grips us so different

this birthday blows the pain into our hearts
right into our hearts
oh Serena
sweet Serena
you are in our hearts
and soon you'll be back home
with your brother on your hand

The amazing compostion "You and I" I used is from Christoph Sebastien.

To follow the story about my family go to

To contact me this is where you can find me:

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Legal human trafficking Sweden

This song owns most of what´s still left of my heart, its about the daily missing of my little brother and sister
who I haven´t seen in 7 months I miss those sweet little faces each minute of the day and I can´t understand why this had to happen to my family but I guess I wouldn´t wish any family to go through this. No one will be truly able to understand what this is like until you go through it and experience it yourself. I sang this song as  a freestyle the words seem to have been inside of my soul ever since this all started happening I guess that´s why I could sing this in just one single recording and it turned out even better than I thought the song would become. It shows how happy my family was and how much fun we had while at the same time it shows the way the Swedish social workers and the police destroyed our family and a little part of it at the beginning also shows in what kind of deep sadness my brother and sister are because they don´t understand why. It is impossible to explain because there simply is no reason for this, we were just a family from Holland on vacation in Sweden and this was not even permitted to happen, something so unthinkable and wrong.

Then you also have to start wondering yourself. You go through all the why´s and possible reasons of why Sweden is doing this and when you start counting up everything you even have to bare the knowledge that they do this for just money purposes and that over the back of innocent children and innocent parents. Sweden doesn´t care about destroying families as long as their wallets keep getting refilled. I want every one to be aware of this, of the things that are going on in the corrupt government system of Sweden. So please every one who reads this please share this video and this post and keep yourself informed by reading also my other blog about Sweden only

Lyrics of my song 

(Beginning poem)
Its like a nightmare you can´t wake up from as if that little world you always trusted on would keep existing just shattered. Like the ground underneath faded and you are only surrounded by despair within hopeless screams. Promissing yourself to hold them each night before you fall asleep, you can almost touch their soft faces while their thousands of milles away its not the you missing them which kills you its the knowing that they miss you in that same unbearable way. Sweet little brother and sister you will be home again.

(Verse 1)
I know a place where the grass is green
where the trees are never dying
I know what it feels like to believe in something
Oh I held your baby feet and your little hands 
how they surrounded me 

Oh I miss you so
and this feeling inside stays unbearable 

I hold on to the wishing 
all the praying
but it remains unthinkable 
that this could happen to us all

(Verse 2)
Now you´re both so far away from me 
and mommy still cries when she´s asleep
and she doesn´t even dare to dream
no she doesn´t even dare to dream
afraid she might feel
so afraid she might feel

When does it end
when does it end
when does the missing leads us somewhere
when does it stop this punishment

(Verse 3)
This is the kind of fight we couldn´t fight
cos there is nothing true or right
they took you from us reasonless
and we pay the price
for their takes and their papers
oh this goes so far beyond their conscience
while our hearts bleed 
how they bleed each night
more dead than alive

Oh we miss you so
how we miss you
oh lord please let them come home

(Verse 4)
What happened to the kindness to the people
can it not come out of their selfish shell
and show us Sweden´s human after all
show us Sweden´s human after all

I miss you so sweet brave sister
I miss you so little couragous brother
stay heroes until you´re home
stay heroes until you´re back home.

Friday, January 31, 2014

What is Europe?

Its crazy to visualize yourself inside a situation in which you have no control whatsoever, its such a strange place to be and I guess I try to ignore the fact that we are. The appeal is over, the trial didn´t go as my mom expected and the lies that have been told again once more proofless took our breaths away so deeply we couldn´t even sigh. Even the organization defense of children couldn´t understand why this happened in the first place but Sweden doesn´t care about the laws each country in Europe has to follow. In the end what are the boundaries of those guidelines? I wonder how something of which every one tells us its impossible happens. How can it happen, how did it happen and why hasn´t it ended a long time ago?

All those questions carry nothing but a smell of money and the euro sign has never been as heavy as in this case. My little brother and sister are their taxes and that´s all they mean a single paycheck. Isn´t it crazy how everything shatters out of the greed of others and that innocent children are used as a source I have no further words for this.

My mom cries again, the last 6 months she has been on each step of the staircase and sometimes even she thought she wouldn´t be able to cry more but she always succeeds to reach more tears behind her eyes.
And she is strong although each time she tries to force a smile she again dies a little and I can see it happening but she is still there comforting us, helping us through while even she doesn´t know how to get through this.

And now the waiting started we don´t know what the judge will decide, we can only wish in this last moments of uncertainty that he will do what is right. Which is bringing my little brother and sister back home to their own country with their family and friends in their own language. We can only hope that this 7 month during nightmare will finally come to an end and that Sweden starts acting human again.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Tomorrow will the pain start or end let us wish for everything to be alright

Tomorrow is the day, going up or under. I never wished, prayed as much for things to work out right. The whole day the look of my little brother and sisters hopeful faces haunt me but I believe in their hope though I´m terrified inside and that fear is hard to bare so I supress what I feel pretty well for now. I know that tomorrow at 1pm my breath will slow for a moment and my heart will be only beating for them. I hope this judge will act human, that he´s realistic and reasonable I mean how can you punish someone for being innocent, how can you make children the victim without any charges of whatsoever. I don´t know I just know that I hope this nightmare will be over after tomorrow. That the desicion will be our release and espacially the release of my mom. Since she became just a shade of who she used to be, a skinny tearfilled frame of a woman who always sacreficed everything for her children. We are the center of her universe always were always will. That makes it this unfair and hard to swallow for every one. Well I hope every one who reads this will think about my little brother and sister tomorrow at 1 pm and that you all wish for them to return home.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Searching but not looking

I failed in love. I searched for it without looking and found deceiving hearts, boring carrier lovers, weak lost souls and tired liars. and what for?
Do I not like to be alone or do I refuse to? These are just regular wonders through my imagination as I return home from yet another date.

First dates are like buying a book. First you decide either you like the cover or not, second you read the back and if it seems interesting you perhaps go to the the first page. I like how comfortable the uncomfortable feels and how your mind turns off while watching possibilities in someones eyes. To imagine starting completely over to uncover the secrets of a new heart and deciding or it would beat with yours. I don´t know or everyone has those thoughts on first dates, perhaps its just me? Or maybe I know what I ache for too well to hide it. I found it funny that inside the deep blue of his eyes even boring things became interesting he might have noticed how I tried not to stare in them for too long.

We talked about everything and nothing about old scars of our past, the pleasure, the sorrow and the hope within life. I don´t know what it was but through his manly attitude I could still watch the boy in him, the fragility he might try to overshadow but still its visible for someone who´s looking close enough. There´s probably a lot of pain left unspoken in his truth and pain as many things intrigues me. Someone once said to me "I find your work amazing because of the pain it contains and for that reason I wish for it to never end."
I have to admit I found that a strange line from a dedicated fan who´s support I still appreciate, but what I didn´t knew when I read that line for the first time is that he was right if my writing isn´t dark and melancholic I´m not a writer for that´s the emotion I´m good at transferring into words.

Although many think because of what they read that I´m sad often but that´s a untrue image of me I´m a very positive person through the day but I write sad for that´s what I´m good at. I laugh a lot and sometimes even when I feel like crying I pretend to be a beautiful fool who´s always happy but let´s be honest who is always happy?
I never met that person.
Still I only cry for things that are worth crying for, my little brother and sister for example the way I weep for them can´t be compared to any missing lover or whatsoever and for you Sergio sweet lying ex of mine I didn´t shred a tear that´s how unimportant you were for me (I know you read this not because of me or interest in how I am doing as if you would care no simply for your own ego I know people like you too well) I never stand still too long I go on.

After nearly two hours of talking he had to take the bus home another long bus drive (almost 2 hours) which he luckily thought was worth it. As I walked with him to the bus stop I noticed twice a little touch on my shoulder (it are the small things that count the most on first dates) Should I take that or the fantasy talking as a sign? Perhaps both. On our way through what seemed to be the desert we made fun of the farmers architecture and how it seemed there were still no normal cross paths at all but we survived and made it to the other side of the road. There we discussed vegetables never thought that could be as enjoyable as it was but I guess the flirtations in between made it interesting enough to go on about.

Ten minutes never seemed to pass quicker, as he stood ready to gesture the bus like he was a typical New Yorker getting a cab. As the buss pulled over it was time for us to say our sweet goodbye. There was a doubting from both mine and his side as if we didn´t know what to do or what to say for a fraction of a second we just stood there in a certain ballroom dance position looking at each other and that slowed my breath briefly. We were not sure what to do though the intensity in my eyes while looking deeply in his kind of betrayed me from being mysterious and held back. When I see potential I´m not good at hiding it and I definitely didn´t this time. It was a small soft first date kiss not too much but surely not too little and it was pretty unexpected but the good kind of surprise.

I walked home pretty carefree and softly giggling after all I´m still a girl who had a first date and that never gets old. As much as I´m interested in starting to read this book I wanna be sure its written in the write ink especially after all the lies I heard from Sergio though he was far from perfect, my mind is still good at ignoring reality when I like someone. So I try not to get confused already by his way of walking or laughing or talking (there I go, things I shouldn´t think of if I wanna think clear) So I don´t for now, don´t make myself jump to conclusions too fast or too far not yet its too dangerous in the unknown. If I´m just allowed to say one thing something pretty innocent I would say that I like him.

Making new tracks

Making new tracks is always fun, its total concentration and that´s why I love doing it