So yesterday I was for a moment outside of my daily stressful life. For a while no crying mom on the background and not the constant reminding of the missing of my little brother and sister. It was the first time in a long time that I actually had fun and felt free of mind. Although I left my date waiting a hour for me which was not my intention but yeah I guess I come late so now and than. I finally entered the doors of the Starbucks and you can say that the tension really got to me the moment someone suddenly started waving at me, I thought in my head "Please let it not be him." then I remembered that he texted me he was siting on the right side and this was clearly left. So I passed by the weirdo and looked around me if I could sense any glimpse of the one I came for.
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
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