Friday, January 10, 2014

Searching but not looking

I failed in love. I searched for it without looking and found deceiving hearts, boring carrier lovers, weak lost souls and tired liars. and what for?
Do I not like to be alone or do I refuse to? These are just regular wonders through my imagination as I return home from yet another date.

First dates are like buying a book. First you decide either you like the cover or not, second you read the back and if it seems interesting you perhaps go to the the first page. I like how comfortable the uncomfortable feels and how your mind turns off while watching possibilities in someones eyes. To imagine starting completely over to uncover the secrets of a new heart and deciding or it would beat with yours. I don´t know or everyone has those thoughts on first dates, perhaps its just me? Or maybe I know what I ache for too well to hide it. I found it funny that inside the deep blue of his eyes even boring things became interesting he might have noticed how I tried not to stare in them for too long.

We talked about everything and nothing about old scars of our past, the pleasure, the sorrow and the hope within life. I don´t know what it was but through his manly attitude I could still watch the boy in him, the fragility he might try to overshadow but still its visible for someone who´s looking close enough. There´s probably a lot of pain left unspoken in his truth and pain as many things intrigues me. Someone once said to me "I find your work amazing because of the pain it contains and for that reason I wish for it to never end."
I have to admit I found that a strange line from a dedicated fan who´s support I still appreciate, but what I didn´t knew when I read that line for the first time is that he was right if my writing isn´t dark and melancholic I´m not a writer for that´s the emotion I´m good at transferring into words.

Although many think because of what they read that I´m sad often but that´s a untrue image of me I´m a very positive person through the day but I write sad for that´s what I´m good at. I laugh a lot and sometimes even when I feel like crying I pretend to be a beautiful fool who´s always happy but let´s be honest who is always happy?
I never met that person.
Still I only cry for things that are worth crying for, my little brother and sister for example the way I weep for them can´t be compared to any missing lover or whatsoever and for you Sergio sweet lying ex of mine I didn´t shred a tear that´s how unimportant you were for me (I know you read this not because of me or interest in how I am doing as if you would care no simply for your own ego I know people like you too well) I never stand still too long I go on.

After nearly two hours of talking he had to take the bus home another long bus drive (almost 2 hours) which he luckily thought was worth it. As I walked with him to the bus stop I noticed twice a little touch on my shoulder (it are the small things that count the most on first dates) Should I take that or the fantasy talking as a sign? Perhaps both. On our way through what seemed to be the desert we made fun of the farmers architecture and how it seemed there were still no normal cross paths at all but we survived and made it to the other side of the road. There we discussed vegetables never thought that could be as enjoyable as it was but I guess the flirtations in between made it interesting enough to go on about.

Ten minutes never seemed to pass quicker, as he stood ready to gesture the bus like he was a typical New Yorker getting a cab. As the buss pulled over it was time for us to say our sweet goodbye. There was a doubting from both mine and his side as if we didn´t know what to do or what to say for a fraction of a second we just stood there in a certain ballroom dance position looking at each other and that slowed my breath briefly. We were not sure what to do though the intensity in my eyes while looking deeply in his kind of betrayed me from being mysterious and held back. When I see potential I´m not good at hiding it and I definitely didn´t this time. It was a small soft first date kiss not too much but surely not too little and it was pretty unexpected but the good kind of surprise.

I walked home pretty carefree and softly giggling after all I´m still a girl who had a first date and that never gets old. As much as I´m interested in starting to read this book I wanna be sure its written in the write ink especially after all the lies I heard from Sergio though he was far from perfect, my mind is still good at ignoring reality when I like someone. So I try not to get confused already by his way of walking or laughing or talking (there I go, things I shouldn´t think of if I wanna think clear) So I don´t for now, don´t make myself jump to conclusions too fast or too far not yet its too dangerous in the unknown. If I´m just allowed to say one thing something pretty innocent I would say that I like him.

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