Monday, March 31, 2014

Monday morning I left Neverland

I left the fantasy for a while as I went back home this morning with his kiss still present on my lips the whole ride home I thought about the warmth of his body and the tenderness I held more close then I ever did. I don't dream often these days and by that I don't mean that I don't dream but that I can´t think of the images in my sleep as dreams, they are violent painful black pages of missing and longing. Someone asked me how that feels well it feels like a screaming no one can hear within yourself as almost reaching hands but not close enough to hold them. You know the kind of feeling of going under water and then when you can´t hold your breath longer you go up well I never go back up I just don't drown which keeps me dead yet alive enough to pretend to be living.

The moment I entered the front door I left Neverland and was thrown back into reality, there are memories everywhere but you know what I see? Only the broken cracks in each frame instead of the picture and I try so hard to ignore the fact that I miss my little brother and sister, their smell, their soft small hands, their laughter and their overwhelming happiness but ignoring that feeling doesn't mean that it isn't there it only makes it worse. The holding back of tears can´t make em vanish but I´m so good at pretending nowadays that I fool myself while the unspoken truth rests in me.

I miss them so unbearably that it hurts to breath sometimes and the only time that I don´t feel it is when he holds me, when I look in his eyes my mind stops turning and I can laugh sincere instead of faking it yet the being happy kills me on the inside as well cos I know at the same time my mom´s heart is breaking so heavily each minute of the day and I feel that each time I smile. I used to love life so much before my family got separated and I would like to know the reason for it, why me and my family have to go through this kind of pain for their paycheck.

Can you imagine what its like? to be 8 and 10 years old far away from your family while being stuck in a country you don´t belong and talking a different language than you´re used to. I know that my pain can not compare against theirs and they stay so strong as they wake up each morning at 7 am to go to a school where they´re learning Swedish instead of Dutch. They are so incredibly brave and I love them so much but I can only hope and wish that they will be home soon.

New track

Listen to my newest track "Let the angels take their place"

The song is about a love that goes far beyond death and a inner desire to belong forever with that person.

Also please keep liking me on facebook and my website and don't forget to follow me on twitter and soundcloud. Thank you every one

Thursday, March 20, 2014

For "The one" who knows he is.

As I find myself waking up by the sound of your text my thoughts wonder off. I don't easily love something more than being present in someone's mind. I waited in patience staring at empty screens countless so many countless times. Wondering, doubting but you, you don't give me the chance for that since you're always present. Although we're not together all the time there seems to be no absence between you and I there is no distance so far and it would mean the world to me if you would always keep it the exact same for as long as ''we'' are we.

I know that I am emotional, intense and difficult I'm well aware of that fact but if you can handle that I will give you the kind of love which is everlasting, dreamy and fully without regret. This love which some may find too heavy, obsessive and reckless might be what describes me. I hold on so tightly to someone who wants to be hold at the same time the ones who had to leave I let go without telling them a word.

I believe in fairytales, it are the only books capturing the blackest pages which turn to the purest white just because of love and I refuse to believe after hearing so much hearts warning me telling me it doesn't exist well what if it does?
Sure I have felt like this before, more than once or twice what might make the difference this time is that you might actually feel like I.

It takes a lot to convince me, to shelter my heart inside of someone else's is something I haven't done for quite a long time. I do carry the sense you are worth the biggest place in mine.

My life is far from easy ever since my family got separated and destroyed, my mind might be heavy and I cry a lot and you might have no idea how much it saves me to be hold, how much it saves me to just belong inside a kiss and to think of completely nothing to find in your arms the ease and gentle rest. After all the pressure, nightmares, trials but most of all, all the sad. I feel so happy in the moments we spent that I almost feel guilty for it since then it feels like I nearly forget the pain and hopelessness which surrounds each bit.

I really hope that you're not ever going to let me go because as much as I hate to admit it I never needed someone more than I need you right now and I hope you will always be that someone which for me will mean that ''You're the one'' I believe you only find that person when your heart has been broken enough. I can only say I hope mine has so it can stay yours and I want yours to be mine forever more and more and more.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Think of love

I pity those who think they know love,
talking foolishly of it unknowing the core.
Those who wake up together in hatred,
forgotten how to be while acting as if still lovers.

I think of love never fully yet whole.
Its complex form always changing,
and when you think you understand you realize you don't know it at all.

No one knows love for it can't be known only felt.
Its invisible shades can't be gazed upon,
yet it meets you, changes you, makes you whole.
Loves creates while at the same time it takes all.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Thought for tonight

Made a poetic quest with just some random thoughts of mine.

What if

What if my disaster isn't easy enough for you to fit in
my doubts might be too big
my worries too deep

what if my wanting is not what you are used to
perhaps I inhale too heavy
or my lust too loud for you to bear

What if my heart is a too early filled image of you and me
you´re heart might not even be ready
and you´re mind finds it far too early to believe

What if my dreams are too empty for you to find a place
my pain might be out of your reach
and my silence might be too silent for you to sleep

What if the best version of me has to be better
which I can´t change
you might have been looking for someone different then me

What if we're not as similar as we first believed
maybe I annoy you
or we are just not meant to be

What if the fears I hold you can't vanish in me
I might be feeling you slowly letting go
while time steals like a thief

What if my tears are too present for you to dry
perhaps you're not able to fix my broken heart inside
I might I love yours more than you will ever love mine.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The meaning within a rose

Funny I just have to share this. 

This morning I received an email of a good friend of mine and she asked me the meaning behind a blue rose. Of course I didn´t know that from scratch so I looked it up for her and it stands for the "Impossible" apparantly. Immidiately the subject changed since her boyfriend sent her the blue rose her joy went straight to fear and I was just laughing slightly in the background thinking as if a guy would ever think about the meaning behind the color of a rose but we girls we search too much behind things. Although I´m surely different in that way I would just be excited and happy I mean I have been told I was worth roses like a hundred times yet I never received any at all and if I ever will I´m surely not gonna panic about the color. So dear friend I know you´re gonna read this and laugh a little and I hope you finally have surrendered yourself to the fact that someone isn´t going through the trouble of sending you a rose if you don´t mean something to him, guys don´t think that complicated about situations most of the time so just be happy you received one not every girl does although you don´t believe me I know its true. 

So for the ones that are curious here you can read the meaning of those different colored roses.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

In love with love

I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.

I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.

I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.

It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.

What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.

I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.

Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.

Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link

Monday, March 10, 2014

Birthday wish for my little sister.

Today my little sister Serena became 8 years old. I remember the first time I held her in my hands all safe and unharmed by life. I travel to that moment so many times as I hear her laughter and touch her joy in memory and then I see her empty lingering eyes on my screen while my little brother tells her not to cry cos else they can´t talk to us anymore. A broken page inside such a beautiful book they became. I can not even talk about the missing even if I would find the words to describe it I can´t write them down for they would be too heavy for anyone to bare. I can only say I miss her, we miss her, we miss them with every fiber of who we are, who we were.

Its the first time we don´t eat cake and inside my heart I´m singing happy birthday to her hoping she feels it through her sadness as she blows the candles of a tasteless cake. She doesn´t have to tell me or anyone what her wish is since its written all over her face.

My mom will be sitting silently and exhausted in an airplane seat today and tomorrow she sees them for the first time in 8 months and we all know that her heart will be torn appart when she has to leave again. I can´t imagine being as strong as she is. I wouldn´t even dare to go, the confrontation alone would be too unbearable for me I rather stay in the distance from it all. My mom is such an incredible strong woman she just shelters her pain and looks through the fear for just 2 hours of holding them. Those 2 hours will make her 10 years older but she doesn´t mind as long as she finds that bliss and has those 2 hours with them.

I hope every one will keep my little brother and sister in their hearts and please keep wishing for them to be home soon.

I made this song and as usual I recorded it at home in a freestyle way. The words were there hidden in my soul and pain and its all for her, for my little sister Serena who has become 8 years old today. She has her birthday and has to celebrate it with strange people in a strange country and why? To keep Sweden´s social money going. Its 8 months now since I have seen my little brother and sister and I still can´t believe this is happening. Today my family´s heart breaks just a little more since we never thought we would ever have to celebrate a birthday like this. Please keep my little brother and sister in your heart and keep wishing for them to return home soon.


You´re not here today
we can´t blow candles today
oh this shattered cake on the table is too bitter to taste
is too bitter to take
you´re 8 years old now

but your tears are so heavy
you feel so heavy
and I can´t tell you when its over
when its over?
I quest touching this cross chain around my neck
patience strikes we survive in it
but time
oh time
grips us so different

this birthday blows the pain into our hearts
right into our hearts
oh Serena
sweet Serena
you are in our hearts
and soon you'll be back home
with your brother on your hand

The amazing compostion "You and I" I used is from Christoph Sebastien.

To follow the story about my family go to

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