Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Deception trapped me again

So this Year started out great for me (Not) I met another deception. This one even worse then the most I have met. So this guy knew my core, my secrets, my dreams and all the fears I had hidden. I only knew him for about two weeks. Yeah you can go ahead call me crazy, a sucker for love. Tell me something I don´t know yet about myself. His betrayal did him nothing, never thought twice of the lies he spoke in clear broad daylight. I could put up with his stupid jokes and the way he got annoyed by my small spelling mistakes.

The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.

I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.

What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.

Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.

My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.

Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.

I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.

Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

A first date that felt like I knew him already

So yesterday I was for a moment outside of my daily stressful life. For a while no crying mom on the background and not the constant reminding of the missing of my little brother and sister. It was the first time in a long time that I actually had fun and felt free of mind. Although I left my date waiting a hour for me which was not my intention but yeah I guess I come late so now and than. I finally entered the doors of the Starbucks and you can say that the tension really got to me the moment someone suddenly started waving at me, I thought in my head "Please let it not be him." then I remembered that he texted me he was siting on the right side and this was clearly left. So I passed by the weirdo and looked around me if I could sense any glimpse of the one I came for.

After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.

We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.

I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.

Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.

After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.

After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.

Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.

I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.

Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.

Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.

He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.

I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.

I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Song about my little brother and sister who are kidnapped by the Swedish government

The lyrics for a new song I´m going to work on soon, sweet brother and sister keep having faith in love and in our strenght as a family. Nothing is able to break our endless love for each other, dream louder and louder every day and please every one who reads this wish harder and harder every day for them to return home as soon as possible.


(verse 1)
Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart
for so long we´ve been apart
we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost
oh how I wish that you were here with us
I wanna kiss your face
and take you away
take you away
from that empty place

I can´t change it
I can´t fix it
I´m numbed in the heart
And I can´t find more tears to cry
I can´t fight it
No I can´t hide it
I´m totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 2)
Sweet little brother
I´m staring at your fear
all the times they manipulate you inside you scream
It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak
Oh how I wish that you were here with me
I wanna hold your hand
and take you away
take you away
from that hollow place

(chorus 1x)

(verse 3)
And until you two are here
we stay on our knees
begging life to bring you home
begging life to bring you home
but you´re thousands of miles away
missing us the same
as you´re laying in strange beds
crying on a tearful pillow case

Oh how we wish that you were here
We wanna take you away
take you away
from that scary place

but we can´t change it
we can´t fix it
we´re numbed in the heart
and we can´t find more tears to cry
We can´t fight it
No we can´t hide it
we´re totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 4)
But you´ll be back home,
just hold on
tomorrow knows our prayers will be found
and till then please
don´t be scared
cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home
back with us.

Wish for them to smile like that again, wish for me to hug them until they fall asleep, wish for my mom to hold them while kissing their faces. Please wish they will be released out of Sweden before Christmas and that they will be home again sleeping in their own beds while whispering "I love you"

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Tears on my sisters face

Last Friday we talked again to my little sister and brother. Their hearts so visually broken that we could watch it in the way they looked in that camera lens. The constant rejecting of tears from both sides of the empty screen since our universe became so filled with sorrow that its impossible to ignore. Its so deep rooted in us, the missing, the haunting memories, the insecure thoughts of when they return home. Its unbelievable how far some people go to keep their wallets filled, throwing small children into a pool of despair just so they can buy more luxury more hollowness and I don´t understand why, why it takes so long for every one to find out what´s going on in Sweden, why it takes so long for them to be released, for our wishes to find them cos we´ve been sitting on the ground for so long, begging constantly for a higher power to interfere.

I looked into my sisters eyes last Friday, almost touched the pain in it. She shared another story about how she´s bullied, how the son of the family hits her and how my little brother stood there unable to do anything about it out of fear. As the son knocked her to the floor he could feel her hopelessness but couldn´t even raise his voice. "I will be blamed for it." His guilt spoke. And of course we understood. We understand everything little hero. I hope you will never feel that any of this is your fault cos it most certainly isn´t. Its never your fault my two beautiful strong sweetnesses. You can´t win from evil but please let it never change who you are, let this hell not define who you have always been. Stay our precious babies, don´t let the sadness make you grow keep playing with barbie dolls and race cars instead of crying and wondering about time. One day you will be in our arms again, we don´t know when but keep hope, strength, believe and faith very close to your hearts and remember "Love will always win."

Help us wish that my little brother and baby sister will be home before Christmas.Lets together go against Sweden and embrace the European and International Law and help us make Sweden understand what they do is illegal Kidnapping of two innocent children only for financial reasons. Lets end this instead of Tomorrow Today.

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