Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Variety in love

Every love is different, was very different in my experience. There were always those unique characteristics which made a relationship turn in various directions. Still many relations are build on illusions because what we truly desire seems to be too far out of reach while loneliness grows stronger and makes us settle for less and less in love but where do we draw the line? When do we finally realize that we need something deeper, realer, sweeter? Well we don't until that special someone comes along and makes us realize its what we've been craving for all along.

Many times I have caught myself settling  for less, usually I adapted as I kept my mind on the same position thinking "he will change" well that is something I said goodbye to nearly two years ago. You can't change a person even if they say their willing to that doesn't make it possible. Someone's personality is the thing you either love or don't because the way someone think's can't be changed.

I think in life you meet certain souls who you are meant to meet not because they're meant to be but simply because they teach you things. Good and bad things with high and low meanings I think therefore all love will always be different and feel different with each person. I have met "The dreamer" he taught me to think out of the box to dream louder no matter what people tell you. "The artist" I learned from him how to use who you are to create a bit of truth in the world and it doesn't matter how you do it with words, paint or music it simply doesn't matter as long as you use your creativity to accomplish something real. "The cheater" He taught me that you should be careful with who you trust and give your heart. "The fairytale" He made me realize that if something seems too good to be true it usually is. So last but not least there was "The illusion." Perhaps the most important one of all of them since he made me understand that you can't change a person.

For most people its easier to fall in love than to love well its different for me often I didn't feel the butterflies or the stars or all those little things people describe feeling when they're in love. I think I have loved more than the being in love which is strange since usually you can't have the one thing without the other. Currently as many of you readers probably already know I have a boyfriend since March this year and he made me wonder about love a lot. The relationship we have is like a small treasure to me since I have never had this kind of relationship it has sweet written all over it and sometimes I don't even believe its real.

I always have been someone that just knew when someone was the one for me and I think "The one" does exist but not in the way most people believe. I think you don't meet him just once that would be way too easy because you change during life and so does what you are looking for but I do believe that when you finally find him that this kind of love can last forever and yes I do believe in forever while most of the cynical's out there don't since life itself isn't forever. Still I don't care I believe love lasts longer than the air, the earth, the sky and everything around us.

So what is love exactly? I think it is all the things you don't need words for like: The sigh right before a kiss, the listening without something is being said, the staring in someone's eyes while wanting to know all of them, holding each other through sleeping, being vulnerable, truthful and doubtless about your feelings.

When I met my current boyfriend or even before we met since we have been talking before actually seeing each other I already felt many things and I always make myself these promises before first dates like not expecting much and definitely never pronouncing love out loud on a first date. I'm such a bad listener even if I'm the one who made those rules usually I don't follow them. I loved him the moment we met and yes that is a cliche of romantic movies and even in there they are careful with expressing it so what was the wise thing to do? Well in love there are no rules or wise things to follow actually so I was kind of lost. I felt butterflies and stars and all those things people talk about when describing being in love and that from the moment we met. I have felt nearly the same just once before him that same intensity of love and being in love. There was this voice in me telling "He's the one" that voice had been quiet for quite some years so it was special and we didn't even kiss yet can you imagine how I felt when we kissed it only confirmed my heart even more. Its a rare feeling that he awoke in me and I promised myself to never feel like that ever again after the first time. I would never give a man a position in my life to hurt my most vulnerable part ''my heart'' I broke that promise I pronounced love on the first date and it could have gone wrong instantly since nothing can make a man more scared than the words "I love you." I can't deny that it was awkward and I don't recommend this to most people but I wouldn't have done it differently nothing of it because I did love him already on our first date and I still do every second of the day I get reminded of that.

We have the "I can't live without you" kind of love its dangerous, strong, light and heavy at the same time. He lights up my world with his smile and his crying would hurt me just as much as my own tears would. He's someone I would kill for or be killed for, the very first thing I think of before going to sleep and right after awaking and when I feel sad and that is quite much these days he's there for me and that alone makes me so happy that my sadness rests and lies the pain down next to me instead of in front of me. I need him to show me the sun when it only rains in me and I know he's nearly the only one who's able to do that. I love how I can be me with him and the way he loves me for being simply that, I love how he is always himself around me and not some stranger I don't know, I love how I can tell him anything from the most stupid joke to the most serious pain my heart carries and the way he holds me through it. I love the moment he awakes me right before he goes to work the whispering "I love you" and that soft kiss on my forehead. I love how safe he makes me feel when I'm next to him and the way he looks at me, I love the way his kiss rests on my lips and the way he touches me through the night. Actually I can't think of something I don't love about him and I never had that before there was always something but this time the page of negativity is empty. Its the good kind of empty although its a bit scary since loving someone so much is such a big risk but for him I take that risk in a heartbeat. I really hope we last forever that our love will remain like this eternally.

Here's a small poem I just loved to write about us two.

We together

We together could be called night and day
they die without each other
are different
yet the very same

We together could be moon and sun
I would be the moon for the dark knows my name like no one does
you would be the sun for the warmth of your skin could warm the coldest star

We together could be the brightest truth
defeating all the lies this world is build upon

We together could turn out to be all the things "real together" in this life stands for.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

My journey in music so far

I'm busy making a new album, this time I want more variety and ever more truth. Since "Freedom of birds" my journey through music has gone further and further although I recorded my first song ever behind a closed door it opened so many. Many times people ask me the question why I write songs?
Well first of all I don't see it as writing I see it as sketching a message and putting it out there like painters do with their portraits. I want every one to be able to find a little part of themselves back in my words and that they feel the sensation through my voice. Touching the truth underneath the fake surface we all breath is all I ever wanted to do and working with people who inspire me and seem to have that ability to make all thoughts vanish has been my dream for the past year.

I have made tracks with so many great artists nearly all of them I can happily call my friends now. I made the amazing track "Beats within a heart" with producer Tyrant Teknology. Made a reversion of the track "For Rome" by Brian Crain. Worked together with the great artist Seth Andrew Kline on the track "Heart strings" who I can proudly call a good friend these days. Made a reversion of "I knew her" by the fantastic Alex Tiunniaev and of the song "Glace of dust" by Luigi Rubino who is also a dear friend of mine and a big inspiration. I had the honor to use compositions of Fabrizio Paterlini, Kai Engel, Andrea Carri, Those who are weary, Davide Biggi, Phillipe Marin and Soft Note.

I met so many beautiful souls on my journey but till now I find the most memorable one Australian composer Pieter Bourke who worked with artists like Lisa Gerrard of Dead can dance who's still one of my biggest inspirations in music already from the age of twelve. What a surprise it was to get an email reply from him it was one of those things you can't ever expect and I jumped of my chair by reading his words I simply couldn't believe it. We are on the moment working on a song together and I just know that its gonna be an amazing mind blowing track. It was so fantastic to talk to him through skype and I remember how incredibly nervous I was but I can truly say that he is one of the most kind and honest artists I have ever had the honor of talking to and I just know we connected and believe in similar things and values in life which is for me personally important because I think if you don't understand each others soul its hard to make something truthful together. In order to make something enchanting you have to enchant yourself first.

Another great moment was when I received an email from Ghosts of Paraguay who might want to work with me in the future which I would find great if that would happen one day.

Also the awesome dj Chris Crysand (Aka Don Lon) reached out to me for an collaboration which was cool to do. It was something different since usually I am more focused on alternative and ambient music but it was fun for a change to do something with techno.

And I am very thankful for the opportunity to collaborate together with Owlin Sanna and Gaz Cloud of duo Cloud and Owl who for my feeling also became my friends. Currently we are working on two tracks together and I'm sure they will be both equally fantastic.

Last but not least I made reversions of the songs "By night" from Sophie Hutchings "Fade" By Heinali. "Everything" By Asfandyar and "Lament" By Balmorhea which is the newest song I wrote dedicated to victims of domestic violence.

My new album will again feature a number of great artists some new, some familiar to me but each song has a meaning and I hope that every one who listens finds their own personal meaning. This album is different from "Freedom of birds" because my musical reach grew and so did the songs on my new album. I am almost one year further from the moment I wrote my first song and I never forget that moment of setting my imprisonment free for a while it felt like I was not in there in that institution I could fly, I could scream, I could pronounce the truth, the missing, the injustice, the pain, the sadness, the lies and that meant everything to me since it was all I had in there it was my only release from that unfair reality. I still wake up sad since my brother and sister are still being kept in a Swedish foster home of course that is unreal and a double feeling I get reminded of it each time I laugh it hurts twice as much as simply crying but after ten months you are out of tears and somehow you try to go on with your life. I do that by writing, singing and creating poetry its the best distraction I ever found, you are so in the moment that time seems to stop sometimes and that is a great feeling.

A lot of things changed I learned a lot of life, love and sadness I want to thank every one for your sweet messages and I want you to know that when I'm feeling defeated and weak I open my email and start reading so thank you for that support. I'm grateful for the kindness I receive for the understanding and for all those little things some of you dreamers tell me each day. I'm gonna share one thing a loyal fan wrote me two days ago

"Angel you make art out of the most difficult pain and you contain it so easily that my heart breaks by hearing your voice. I don't know how you do it pouring tears in your words and turn them into pearls but I hope you will keep on making beautiful songs amazing ones and that many more artists want to work with you because you are fantastic."                                      -Steve Taylor

Thank you so much Steve and all of you dreamers who take the time to write me and support me and my music.

Also what I just have to mention which is a very sweet thing in my life is my current boyfriend he means the world to me and although I know I am sometimes not the most easy girl he is there through everything and that is a feeling I didn't know yet. We love each other so intimately that I hope it will last forever cos although I know forever doesn't exists I still believe in it.

Monday, April 28, 2014

My mother visiting my brother and sister after 10 months

The song I have been able to make because of the beautiful composition Glace of dust by Luigi Rubino. 

That composition really made me able to pour my heart out to describe my mothers sorrow and pain and how she wishes this nightmare to stop. Every one please share this with the world no mother or child should be forced to go through this and the worst part is that its all for the social money system of Sweden. 


I never begged
I never screamed more
I never shouted out 
I never asked for anything 


Don't go
Don't you leave
I wanna keep you
I need you 
I am the veins and you're the blood running out 

Be silent 
Be quiet
You're on each blade 
You're on each blade now

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Happy birthday sweet brother

So its a few minutes past my brothers birthday now he turned eleven years old today. Its so strange the way time keeps passing even while he and my sister are still in Sweden a country so far away from ours. Almost 10 months passed but still that last hug I gave them is present in my mind heavily each day.

Today my mind was with my mom on her journey to see them again. Tomorrow is the big day for 4 hours they're reunited, for 4 hours they will be children again instead of the emotionless broken robots their fosterparents force them to be. I still wonder why? Its that question I will probably never get an answer on neither one of us will ever know the reason although its clearly written on the fosterparents bank account.

I wish I could be there for my mom to hold her when she has to leave them again but at the same time I would never be able to feel that kind of pain. I hope she gets through tomorrow and that she will be back home safely. I still hope my brother and sister will soon be home again.

Sweet brother I hope you had a nice birthday and that you enjoy your gifts, that you are strong when mommy has to leave you and your sister again that you both will be brave like always and that you keep hope even when finding the strength for that seems so hard. You will be home again and hopefully that day is soon.

I love you Annelinyo and Serena and I hope you know that you are always on my mind even when I try not to think of the sadness you are always there.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The waking up this morning

I know I have not been writing for a while guess I was a bit too distracted by love for the right words and I still am I mean I awoke searching for his hands this morning.

I feel alive when we're together being out of the deadly stage I slowly became familiar with. I wish to be the best version of myself for him but the constant competing with myself creates such a restlessness within me still I don't know how to avoid it. I never feared "goodbye" as much as this time I mostly filled the hollowness with more hollow things to stay in front of that moment "goodbye" couldn't sting me but right now the word alone hostages me and my thoughts. I shake by thinking of it, it became a small earthquake in me. The panic breaths free for a while when I'm in his presence its as if life stops from twisting and turning how I love that freedom.

I think of love as the burning flame on an eternal candle it guides you in the darkness, is still visible through the light of day while it makes you fear the rain and each bit of storm cos there is always this chance the flame fades too far. That possibility is lurking on the background and sometimes I wish for a moment of knowing truly our candle will burn forever. I know that is asking for the impossible cos I will never know and that is the cause of the ever blowing storm in me. I am aware that questing everything because of my own doubts isn't an easy thing to deal with. I really try to suppress my constant need for reassurance its just that sometimes I can't trust my own judgement since it failed me in the past. I lose my mind in love and let my heart take over and because of my hearts needfullness I can't really trust it. I'm the kind of person who wants to control my feelings and love is the one thing that makes me forget all about it. As free as it makes me there's this downside of constant fear
"What if he will get tired of me?"
"What if he will find someone less complicated?"
"What if he finds me too suffocating?"

What if, what if I hate those words so much but they're such a big part of me nowadays and when I talk with those few that know me perhaps a bit they tell me not to worry "If there comes a day he wants to leave you then just let him you will have someone else in a minute" Well thanks for the advice if only it was that easy this time but it will not work that way, it did in the past since its easy to go on when someone you don't really love leaves but it would not be able to compare to him. Our being together is different from all the times I was"together" this time it really feels like we are so how do you go on from that? I don't know and that's why I'm terrified for it to end. So to those who think they understand only the slightest bit believe me you don't that kind of advice only tells me how little you know of me. It isn't telling me anything I already know guys are easy to find for me on each and every street corner could be my husband that is not the problem not even part of the problem. It is a matter of fact very easy to understand I want to maintain him and him alone for the rest of my life I don't want someone else I want him and you know what it is not that I can't live without him cos I know I can its just that I would choose not to. We´re all free in making choices and I will always choose him. I know its not good to make someone the center of your own existence yet I wouldn't even want it differently.

I wonder if it is possible to love someone too much I guess it is and even if I could change it which I can't I don't even think I would since I believe there's no such thing as loving halfway. My heart just hopes that our love will last so that I can.

Writing all kind of new things

I´m busy writing new songs and poetry for the moment I find the honesty of music combined with the truth in my words a great combination to proceed with.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Monday morning I left Neverland

I left the fantasy for a while as I went back home this morning with his kiss still present on my lips the whole ride home I thought about the warmth of his body and the tenderness I held more close then I ever did. I don't dream often these days and by that I don't mean that I don't dream but that I can´t think of the images in my sleep as dreams, they are violent painful black pages of missing and longing. Someone asked me how that feels well it feels like a screaming no one can hear within yourself as almost reaching hands but not close enough to hold them. You know the kind of feeling of going under water and then when you can´t hold your breath longer you go up well I never go back up I just don't drown which keeps me dead yet alive enough to pretend to be living.

The moment I entered the front door I left Neverland and was thrown back into reality, there are memories everywhere but you know what I see? Only the broken cracks in each frame instead of the picture and I try so hard to ignore the fact that I miss my little brother and sister, their smell, their soft small hands, their laughter and their overwhelming happiness but ignoring that feeling doesn't mean that it isn't there it only makes it worse. The holding back of tears can´t make em vanish but I´m so good at pretending nowadays that I fool myself while the unspoken truth rests in me.

I miss them so unbearably that it hurts to breath sometimes and the only time that I don´t feel it is when he holds me, when I look in his eyes my mind stops turning and I can laugh sincere instead of faking it yet the being happy kills me on the inside as well cos I know at the same time my mom´s heart is breaking so heavily each minute of the day and I feel that each time I smile. I used to love life so much before my family got separated and I would like to know the reason for it, why me and my family have to go through this kind of pain for their paycheck.

Can you imagine what its like? to be 8 and 10 years old far away from your family while being stuck in a country you don´t belong and talking a different language than you´re used to. I know that my pain can not compare against theirs and they stay so strong as they wake up each morning at 7 am to go to a school where they´re learning Swedish instead of Dutch. They are so incredibly brave and I love them so much but I can only hope and wish that they will be home soon.