I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.
I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.
I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.
It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.
What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.
I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.
Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.
Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link http://vimeo.com/36289832