Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The waking up this morning

I know I have not been writing for a while guess I was a bit too distracted by love for the right words and I still am I mean I awoke searching for his hands this morning.

I feel alive when we're together being out of the deadly stage I slowly became familiar with. I wish to be the best version of myself for him but the constant competing with myself creates such a restlessness within me still I don't know how to avoid it. I never feared "goodbye" as much as this time I mostly filled the hollowness with more hollow things to stay in front of that moment "goodbye" couldn't sting me but right now the word alone hostages me and my thoughts. I shake by thinking of it, it became a small earthquake in me. The panic breaths free for a while when I'm in his presence its as if life stops from twisting and turning how I love that freedom.

I think of love as the burning flame on an eternal candle it guides you in the darkness, is still visible through the light of day while it makes you fear the rain and each bit of storm cos there is always this chance the flame fades too far. That possibility is lurking on the background and sometimes I wish for a moment of knowing truly our candle will burn forever. I know that is asking for the impossible cos I will never know and that is the cause of the ever blowing storm in me. I am aware that questing everything because of my own doubts isn't an easy thing to deal with. I really try to suppress my constant need for reassurance its just that sometimes I can't trust my own judgement since it failed me in the past. I lose my mind in love and let my heart take over and because of my hearts needfullness I can't really trust it. I'm the kind of person who wants to control my feelings and love is the one thing that makes me forget all about it. As free as it makes me there's this downside of constant fear
"What if he will get tired of me?"
"What if he will find someone less complicated?"
"What if he finds me too suffocating?"

What if, what if I hate those words so much but they're such a big part of me nowadays and when I talk with those few that know me perhaps a bit they tell me not to worry "If there comes a day he wants to leave you then just let him you will have someone else in a minute" Well thanks for the advice if only it was that easy this time but it will not work that way, it did in the past since its easy to go on when someone you don't really love leaves but it would not be able to compare to him. Our being together is different from all the times I was"together" this time it really feels like we are so how do you go on from that? I don't know and that's why I'm terrified for it to end. So to those who think they understand only the slightest bit believe me you don't that kind of advice only tells me how little you know of me. It isn't telling me anything I already know guys are easy to find for me on each and every street corner could be my husband that is not the problem not even part of the problem. It is a matter of fact very easy to understand I want to maintain him and him alone for the rest of my life I don't want someone else I want him and you know what it is not that I can't live without him cos I know I can its just that I would choose not to. We´re all free in making choices and I will always choose him. I know its not good to make someone the center of your own existence yet I wouldn't even want it differently.

I wonder if it is possible to love someone too much I guess it is and even if I could change it which I can't I don't even think I would since I believe there's no such thing as loving halfway. My heart just hopes that our love will last so that I can.

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