I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.
I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.
I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.
It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.
What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.
I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.
Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.
Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link http://vimeo.com/36289832
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A first date that felt like I knew him already
So yesterday I was for a moment outside of my daily stressful life. For a while no crying mom on the background and not the constant reminding of the missing of my little brother and sister. It was the first time in a long time that I actually had fun and felt free of mind. Although I left my date waiting a hour for me which was not my intention but yeah I guess I come late so now and than. I finally entered the doors of the Starbucks and you can say that the tension really got to me the moment someone suddenly started waving at me, I thought in my head "Please let it not be him." then I remembered that he texted me he was siting on the right side and this was clearly left. So I passed by the weirdo and looked around me if I could sense any glimpse of the one I came for.
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
Don´t forget to check out my music or add me on facebook http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
Don´t forget to check out my music or add me on facebook http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Song about my little brother and sister who are kidnapped by the Swedish government
The lyrics for a new song I´m going to work on soon, sweet brother and sister keep having faith in love and in our strenght as a family. Nothing is able to break our endless love for each other, dream louder and louder every day and please every one who reads this wish harder and harder every day for them to return home as soon as possible.
(verse 1)
Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart
for so long we´ve been apart
we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost
oh how I wish that you were here with us
I wanna kiss your face
and take you away
take you away
from that empty place
(chorus)
I can´t change it
I can´t fix it
I´m numbed in the heart
And I can´t find more tears to cry
I can´t fight it
No I can´t hide it
I´m totally motionless
Totally motionless
(verse 2)
Sweet little brother
I´m staring at your fear
all the times they manipulate you inside you scream
It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak
Oh how I wish that you were here with me
I wanna hold your hand
and take you away
take you away
from that hollow place
(chorus 1x)
(verse 3)
And until you two are here
we stay on our knees
begging life to bring you home
begging life to bring you home
but you´re thousands of miles away
missing us the same
as you´re laying in strange beds
crying on a tearful pillow case
(bridge)
Oh how we wish that you were here
We wanna take you away
take you away
from that scary place
(chorus)
but we can´t change it
we can´t fix it
we´re numbed in the heart
and we can´t find more tears to cry
We can´t fight it
No we can´t hide it
we´re totally motionless
Totally motionless
(verse 4)
But you´ll be back home,
just hold on
tomorrow knows our prayers will be found
and till then please
don´t be scared
cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home
back with us.
Motionless
(verse 1)
Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart
for so long we´ve been apart
we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost
oh how I wish that you were here with us
I wanna kiss your face
and take you away
take you away
from that empty place
(chorus)
I can´t change it
I can´t fix it
I´m numbed in the heart
And I can´t find more tears to cry
I can´t fight it
No I can´t hide it
I´m totally motionless
Totally motionless
(verse 2)
Sweet little brother
I´m staring at your fear
all the times they manipulate you inside you scream
It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak
Oh how I wish that you were here with me
I wanna hold your hand
and take you away
take you away
from that hollow place
(chorus 1x)
(verse 3)
And until you two are here
we stay on our knees
begging life to bring you home
begging life to bring you home
but you´re thousands of miles away
missing us the same
as you´re laying in strange beds
crying on a tearful pillow case
(bridge)
Oh how we wish that you were here
We wanna take you away
take you away
from that scary place
(chorus)
but we can´t change it
we can´t fix it
we´re numbed in the heart
and we can´t find more tears to cry
We can´t fight it
No we can´t hide it
we´re totally motionless
Totally motionless
(verse 4)
But you´ll be back home,
just hold on
tomorrow knows our prayers will be found
and till then please
don´t be scared
cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home
back with us.
Wish for them to smile like that again, wish for me to hug them until they fall asleep, wish for my mom to hold them while kissing their faces. Please wish they will be released out of Sweden before Christmas and that they will be home again sleeping in their own beds while whispering "I love you"
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Gem club
A while ago i had the pleasure of finding a band called ´Gem club.`
Listened to them ever since, as i hear their voices it feels like they heard mine. A piece of soul connected to inner sadness, i looked everywhere trying to find something similar which i find impossible. There is a touch that reaches the deepest of purity, a vibe that makes your breath skip. The words in their lyrics remind me of complicated love but true love. It is not just for a rainy day, neither for just a good cry to me it is a inspiration that allows me to write in the best way. It isn't background music but not overtaking. Impossible to hate or like it deserves to be loved. It makes place inside the sense of being numb right before falling asleep i listen and remember the treasure called love. Most artist seem to disappoint me while performing live Gem club seems to be one of the exceptions which means they are better, only better then i already believed they were.
I never had the pleasure meeting them live, i don't live near and never had the chance. However i watched each video and performance online on youtube or on another source. I find it strange that they are not known as well as some artist are these days, but maybe that is their strength. It is better to be art than to be a famous regular. Some find it the fault of generation well i disagree i am 18 so a young person, however i would not describe myself being a teenager cos honestly i have never been a teen. My taste in music might be different for the better i believe. Once i really love something i love it forever and Gem club has a place inside my neverland which i built every day music is a big part of it and it continues to be that way.
Thankyou Gem club for making music not just music but indescribable poetry
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