My journey in music so far

I'm busy making a new album, this time I want more variety and ever more truth. Since "Freedom of birds" my journey through music has gone further and further although I recorded my first song ever behind a closed door it opened so many. Many times people ask me the question why I write songs?
Well first of all I don't see it as writing I see it as sketching a message and putting it out there like painters do with their portraits. I want every one to be able to find a little part of themselves back in my words and that they feel the sensation through my voice. Touching the truth underneath the fake surface we all breath is all I ever wanted to do and working with people who inspire me and seem to have that ability to make all thoughts vanish has been my dream for the past year.

I have made tracks with so many great artists nearly all of them I can happily call my friends now. I made the amazing track "Beats within a heart" with producer Tyrant Teknology. Made a reversion of the track "For Rome" by Brian Crain. Worked together with the great artist Seth Andrew Kline on the track "Heart strings" who I can proudly call a good friend these days. Made a reversion of "I knew her" by the fantastic Alex Tiunniaev and of the song "Glace of dust" by Luigi Rubino who is also a dear friend of mine and a big inspiration. I had the honor to use compositions of Fabrizio Paterlini, Kai Engel, Andrea Carri, Those who are weary, Davide Biggi, Phillipe Marin and Soft Note.

I met so many beautiful souls on my journey but till now I find the most memorable one Australian composer Pieter Bourke who worked with artists like Lisa Gerrard of Dead can dance who's still one of my biggest inspirations in music already from the age of twelve. What a surprise it was to get an email reply from him it was one of those things you can't ever expect and I jumped of my chair by reading his words I simply couldn't believe it. We are on the moment working on a song together and I just know that its gonna be an amazing mind blowing track. It was so fantastic to talk to him through skype and I remember how incredibly nervous I was but I can truly say that he is one of the most kind and honest artists I have ever had the honor of talking to and I just know we connected and believe in similar things and values in life which is for me personally important because I think if you don't understand each others soul its hard to make something truthful together. In order to make something enchanting you have to enchant yourself first.

Another great moment was when I received an email from Ghosts of Paraguay who might want to work with me in the future which I would find great if that would happen one day.

Also the awesome dj Chris Crysand (Aka Don Lon) reached out to me for an collaboration which was cool to do. It was something different since usually I am more focused on alternative and ambient music but it was fun for a change to do something with techno.

And I am very thankful for the opportunity to collaborate together with Owlin Sanna and Gaz Cloud of duo Cloud and Owl who for my feeling also became my friends. Currently we are working on two tracks together and I'm sure they will be both equally fantastic.

Last but not least I made reversions of the songs "By night" from Sophie Hutchings "Fade" By Heinali. "Everything" By Asfandyar and "Lament" By Balmorhea which is the newest song I wrote dedicated to victims of domestic violence.

My new album will again feature a number of great artists some new, some familiar to me but each song has a meaning and I hope that every one who listens finds their own personal meaning. This album is different from "Freedom of birds" because my musical reach grew and so did the songs on my new album. I am almost one year further from the moment I wrote my first song and I never forget that moment of setting my imprisonment free for a while it felt like I was not in there in that institution I could fly, I could scream, I could pronounce the truth, the missing, the injustice, the pain, the sadness, the lies and that meant everything to me since it was all I had in there it was my only release from that unfair reality. I still wake up sad since my brother and sister are still being kept in a Swedish foster home of course that is unreal and a double feeling I get reminded of it each time I laugh it hurts twice as much as simply crying but after ten months you are out of tears and somehow you try to go on with your life. I do that by writing, singing and creating poetry its the best distraction I ever found, you are so in the moment that time seems to stop sometimes and that is a great feeling.

A lot of things changed I learned a lot of life, love and sadness I want to thank every one for your sweet messages and I want you to know that when I'm feeling defeated and weak I open my email and start reading so thank you for that support. I'm grateful for the kindness I receive for the understanding and for all those little things some of you dreamers tell me each day. I'm gonna share one thing a loyal fan wrote me two days ago

"Angel you make art out of the most difficult pain and you contain it so easily that my heart breaks by hearing your voice. I don't know how you do it pouring tears in your words and turn them into pearls but I hope you will keep on making beautiful songs amazing ones and that many more artists want to work with you because you are fantastic."                                      -Steve Taylor

Thank you so much Steve and all of you dreamers who take the time to write me and support me and my music.

Also what I just have to mention which is a very sweet thing in my life is my current boyfriend he means the world to me and although I know I am sometimes not the most easy girl he is there through everything and that is a feeling I didn't know yet. We love each other so intimately that I hope it will last forever cos although I know forever doesn't exists I still believe in it.

Writing all kind of new things

I´m busy writing new songs and poetry for the moment I find the honesty of music combined with the truth in my words a great combination to proceed with.

For "The one" who knows he is.

As I find myself waking up by the sound of your text my thoughts wonder off. I don't easily love something more than being present in someone's mind. I waited in patience staring at empty screens countless so many countless times. Wondering, doubting but you, you don't give me the chance for that since you're always present. Although we're not together all the time there seems to be no absence between you and I there is no distance so far and it would mean the world to me if you would always keep it the exact same for as long as ''we'' are we.

I know that I am emotional, intense and difficult I'm well aware of that fact but if you can handle that I will give you the kind of love which is everlasting, dreamy and fully without regret. This love which some may find too heavy, obsessive and reckless might be what describes me. I hold on so tightly to someone who wants to be hold at the same time the ones who had to leave I let go without telling them a word.

I believe in fairytales, it are the only books capturing the blackest pages which turn to the purest white just because of love and I refuse to believe after hearing so much hearts warning me telling me it doesn't exist well what if it does?
Sure I have felt like this before, more than once or twice what might make the difference this time is that you might actually feel like I.

It takes a lot to convince me, to shelter my heart inside of someone else's is something I haven't done for quite a long time. I do carry the sense you are worth the biggest place in mine.

My life is far from easy ever since my family got separated and destroyed, my mind might be heavy and I cry a lot and you might have no idea how much it saves me to be hold, how much it saves me to just belong inside a kiss and to think of completely nothing to find in your arms the ease and gentle rest. After all the pressure, nightmares, trials but most of all, all the sad. I feel so happy in the moments we spent that I almost feel guilty for it since then it feels like I nearly forget the pain and hopelessness which surrounds each bit.

I really hope that you're not ever going to let me go because as much as I hate to admit it I never needed someone more than I need you right now and I hope you will always be that someone which for me will mean that ''You're the one'' I believe you only find that person when your heart has been broken enough. I can only say I hope mine has so it can stay yours and I want yours to be mine forever more and more and more.

Deception trapped me again

So this Year started out great for me (Not) I met another deception. This one even worse then the most I have met. So this guy knew my core, my secrets, my dreams and all the fears I had hidden. I only knew him for about two weeks. Yeah you can go ahead call me crazy, a sucker for love. Tell me something I don´t know yet about myself. His betrayal did him nothing, never thought twice of the lies he spoke in clear broad daylight. I could put up with his stupid jokes and the way he got annoyed by my small spelling mistakes.

The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.

I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.

What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.

Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.

My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.

Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.

I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.

Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.

A first date that felt like I knew him already

So yesterday I was for a moment outside of my daily stressful life. For a while no crying mom on the background and not the constant reminding of the missing of my little brother and sister. It was the first time in a long time that I actually had fun and felt free of mind. Although I left my date waiting a hour for me which was not my intention but yeah I guess I come late so now and than. I finally entered the doors of the Starbucks and you can say that the tension really got to me the moment someone suddenly started waving at me, I thought in my head "Please let it not be him." then I remembered that he texted me he was siting on the right side and this was clearly left. So I passed by the weirdo and looked around me if I could sense any glimpse of the one I came for.

After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.

We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.

I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.

Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.

After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.

After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.

Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.

I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.

Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.

Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.

He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.

I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.

I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
Don´t forget to check out my music or add me on facebook http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel