Deception trapped me again

So this Year started out great for me (Not) I met another deception. This one even worse then the most I have met. So this guy knew my core, my secrets, my dreams and all the fears I had hidden. I only knew him for about two weeks. Yeah you can go ahead call me crazy, a sucker for love. Tell me something I don´t know yet about myself. His betrayal did him nothing, never thought twice of the lies he spoke in clear broad daylight. I could put up with his stupid jokes and the way he got annoyed by my small spelling mistakes.

The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.

I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.

What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.

Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.

My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.

Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.

I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.

Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.

Song about my little brother and sister who are kidnapped by the Swedish government

The lyrics for a new song I´m going to work on soon, sweet brother and sister keep having faith in love and in our strenght as a family. Nothing is able to break our endless love for each other, dream louder and louder every day and please every one who reads this wish harder and harder every day for them to return home as soon as possible.

Motionless

(verse 1)
Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart
for so long we´ve been apart
we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost
oh how I wish that you were here with us
I wanna kiss your face
and take you away
take you away
from that empty place

(chorus)
I can´t change it
I can´t fix it
I´m numbed in the heart
And I can´t find more tears to cry
I can´t fight it
No I can´t hide it
I´m totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 2)
Sweet little brother
I´m staring at your fear
all the times they manipulate you inside you scream
It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak
Oh how I wish that you were here with me
I wanna hold your hand
and take you away
take you away
from that hollow place

(chorus 1x)

(verse 3)
And until you two are here
we stay on our knees
begging life to bring you home
begging life to bring you home
but you´re thousands of miles away
missing us the same
as you´re laying in strange beds
crying on a tearful pillow case

(bridge)
Oh how we wish that you were here
We wanna take you away
take you away
from that scary place

(chorus)
but we can´t change it
we can´t fix it
we´re numbed in the heart
and we can´t find more tears to cry
We can´t fight it
No we can´t hide it
we´re totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 4)
But you´ll be back home,
just hold on
tomorrow knows our prayers will be found
and till then please
don´t be scared
cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home
back with us.

Wish for them to smile like that again, wish for me to hug them until they fall asleep, wish for my mom to hold them while kissing their faces. Please wish they will be released out of Sweden before Christmas and that they will be home again sleeping in their own beds while whispering "I love you"

My past, my right here right now experience

So started living a little again, my life was on hold for the last months. Being acused, judged and suspected for being a prostitute. It was a crazy mess, but hey that´s life. Its something that haunts you, your core and all the things I am. Did I became more careful? More aware?
or Scared? Never.

They can all go to hell with their accusations, I am innocent, stay innocent and I will never feel guilty or ashamed of who I am and always will be. And that is someone who is proud to wear cloths of this century in this modern age in which will all live in freedom. I´m not going to hide inside of a gray jeans, I´m not going to shut up or lay my pen down, just so I don´t need to worry to be locked up. I don´t know when Sweden became Russia, I don´t know when proof no longer became important, I just know that I was there to see it happen. It was a horrible experience one I never forget but it taught me how unfair life is and that I´m not the only one who gets judged. Discrimination is there in all sorts and forms and I never understood how serious it can be, how it can shape your life. I have always been a artist writing about certain things every one hides away for. Is it wrong to speak the truth? to discover things and learn things about life. I wanna know the parts of the world, the beautiful, the painful, the dark and the light which is always there to guide me home. Life is about learning, watching and understanding but why do we have to go through it? I wonder about a purpose while I don´t even know if life itselfs has one. Pray selfishly like every one for my pain and my families misery to end but its so busy up there from all the crying screams that echo through broken windows that it might take I while to find them. Right now me and my family are stuck in the waiting, waiting for a distand call from the ones who tore my family apart and keep my sweet little sister and courageous small brother far away from us. In a foster house in Sweden they sit still pretending in silence surrounded by selfmade bracelets and fake toys. Forcing frozen smiles on their lips while whispering "I love you mommy." before they fall asleep in their strange beds. Its almost like I hear them calling I spoke the same whispering each and every night in that institution for the 3 months I was locked up in there. If I could have choosen I would have stayed in their place, I would easily have given my freedom for their´s but it was not the call I could have made. I can not describe how much I miss my little sister and brother, how proud I am on them both for keeping faith and for staying this strong. Oh the way my sister talks about christmas and how her defeated eyes accepted already that she´s not gonna spend it with us this year it breaks my heart and the way my little brother asks us what we had for dinner while knowing he´s not able to eat it himself that feeling rests in every bite. To watch fear expressed on their small faces while laughing, laughing so intensely that it hurts to see. It makes you ask life why? why? why? The answer lays somewhere together with the constant doubt of when? when? when will we see them again? We don´t know, and they know it so well that they stopped asking us for a answer? As if they know now that we died each time we heard that question. Its 5 months ago now that I held their hand for the last time, I hugged them both the longest as if I could feel that it would take longer to see them than the others which were also taken. Luckily my bigger brother and sister got released from their institution after 3 months like me. We´re back in Holland now, back home but what is a home when you´re not together. A castle of memories perhaps. I stopped looking at pictures, numbed my mind together with my heart as good as I could. Keep feeling though, feeling everything; the pain in my mothers voice, the wreckless running panic of my father, The constant fighting tears of my sister, The silence of my brother and where am I? I guess I´m avoidiong it, the sorrow I´m too weak to face. I have to stay strong, my mom already cries enough for each one of us. I stay in the distance, putting my thoughts on paper, in music and poetry. It saves me from going in between dramatic waves, I much rather lay on the bottom of the ocean until the day we will all be reunited in our broken sand castle happily starting to rebuild it again.

Christmas days

As Christmas passed so does this year nearly end. It seems like every Christmas gets more lonely focused on those things that are unimportant. The meaning of Christmas is slowly getting lost. But what do i know? all i know is that i was feeling tired and numb during the day, appetite was somewhere away from my taste. Sending messages to those who might know me a bit, fades my inner pain a little. At the same time it doubled got reminded that some persons don't care at all. They stay just strangers. As i kept hoping for more, begging for more always i just receive emptiness. Find myself crying daily forgetting the sense of joy.