I pity those who think they know love,
talking foolishly of it unknowing the core.
Those who wake up together in hatred,
forgotten how to be while acting as if still lovers.
I think of love never fully yet whole.
Its complex form always changing,
and when you think you understand you realize you don't know it at all.
No one knows love for it can't be known only felt.
Its invisible shades can't be gazed upon,
yet it meets you, changes you, makes you whole.
Loves creates while at the same time it takes all.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Searching but not looking
I failed in love. I searched for it without looking and found deceiving hearts, boring carrier lovers, weak lost souls and tired liars. and what for?
Do I not like to be alone or do I refuse to? These are just regular wonders through my imagination as I return home from yet another date.
First dates are like buying a book. First you decide either you like the cover or not, second you read the back and if it seems interesting you perhaps go to the the first page. I like how comfortable the uncomfortable feels and how your mind turns off while watching possibilities in someones eyes. To imagine starting completely over to uncover the secrets of a new heart and deciding or it would beat with yours. I don´t know or everyone has those thoughts on first dates, perhaps its just me? Or maybe I know what I ache for too well to hide it. I found it funny that inside the deep blue of his eyes even boring things became interesting he might have noticed how I tried not to stare in them for too long.
We talked about everything and nothing about old scars of our past, the pleasure, the sorrow and the hope within life. I don´t know what it was but through his manly attitude I could still watch the boy in him, the fragility he might try to overshadow but still its visible for someone who´s looking close enough. There´s probably a lot of pain left unspoken in his truth and pain as many things intrigues me. Someone once said to me "I find your work amazing because of the pain it contains and for that reason I wish for it to never end."
I have to admit I found that a strange line from a dedicated fan who´s support I still appreciate, but what I didn´t knew when I read that line for the first time is that he was right if my writing isn´t dark and melancholic I´m not a writer for that´s the emotion I´m good at transferring into words.
Although many think because of what they read that I´m sad often but that´s a untrue image of me I´m a very positive person through the day but I write sad for that´s what I´m good at. I laugh a lot and sometimes even when I feel like crying I pretend to be a beautiful fool who´s always happy but let´s be honest who is always happy?
I never met that person.
Still I only cry for things that are worth crying for, my little brother and sister for example the way I weep for them can´t be compared to any missing lover or whatsoever and for you Sergio sweet lying ex of mine I didn´t shred a tear that´s how unimportant you were for me (I know you read this not because of me or interest in how I am doing as if you would care no simply for your own ego I know people like you too well) I never stand still too long I go on.
After nearly two hours of talking he had to take the bus home another long bus drive (almost 2 hours) which he luckily thought was worth it. As I walked with him to the bus stop I noticed twice a little touch on my shoulder (it are the small things that count the most on first dates) Should I take that or the fantasy talking as a sign? Perhaps both. On our way through what seemed to be the desert we made fun of the farmers architecture and how it seemed there were still no normal cross paths at all but we survived and made it to the other side of the road. There we discussed vegetables never thought that could be as enjoyable as it was but I guess the flirtations in between made it interesting enough to go on about.
Ten minutes never seemed to pass quicker, as he stood ready to gesture the bus like he was a typical New Yorker getting a cab. As the buss pulled over it was time for us to say our sweet goodbye. There was a doubting from both mine and his side as if we didn´t know what to do or what to say for a fraction of a second we just stood there in a certain ballroom dance position looking at each other and that slowed my breath briefly. We were not sure what to do though the intensity in my eyes while looking deeply in his kind of betrayed me from being mysterious and held back. When I see potential I´m not good at hiding it and I definitely didn´t this time. It was a small soft first date kiss not too much but surely not too little and it was pretty unexpected but the good kind of surprise.
I walked home pretty carefree and softly giggling after all I´m still a girl who had a first date and that never gets old. As much as I´m interested in starting to read this book I wanna be sure its written in the write ink especially after all the lies I heard from Sergio though he was far from perfect, my mind is still good at ignoring reality when I like someone. So I try not to get confused already by his way of walking or laughing or talking (there I go, things I shouldn´t think of if I wanna think clear) So I don´t for now, don´t make myself jump to conclusions too fast or too far not yet its too dangerous in the unknown. If I´m just allowed to say one thing something pretty innocent I would say that I like him.
Do I not like to be alone or do I refuse to? These are just regular wonders through my imagination as I return home from yet another date.
First dates are like buying a book. First you decide either you like the cover or not, second you read the back and if it seems interesting you perhaps go to the the first page. I like how comfortable the uncomfortable feels and how your mind turns off while watching possibilities in someones eyes. To imagine starting completely over to uncover the secrets of a new heart and deciding or it would beat with yours. I don´t know or everyone has those thoughts on first dates, perhaps its just me? Or maybe I know what I ache for too well to hide it. I found it funny that inside the deep blue of his eyes even boring things became interesting he might have noticed how I tried not to stare in them for too long.
We talked about everything and nothing about old scars of our past, the pleasure, the sorrow and the hope within life. I don´t know what it was but through his manly attitude I could still watch the boy in him, the fragility he might try to overshadow but still its visible for someone who´s looking close enough. There´s probably a lot of pain left unspoken in his truth and pain as many things intrigues me. Someone once said to me "I find your work amazing because of the pain it contains and for that reason I wish for it to never end."
I have to admit I found that a strange line from a dedicated fan who´s support I still appreciate, but what I didn´t knew when I read that line for the first time is that he was right if my writing isn´t dark and melancholic I´m not a writer for that´s the emotion I´m good at transferring into words.
Although many think because of what they read that I´m sad often but that´s a untrue image of me I´m a very positive person through the day but I write sad for that´s what I´m good at. I laugh a lot and sometimes even when I feel like crying I pretend to be a beautiful fool who´s always happy but let´s be honest who is always happy?
I never met that person.
Still I only cry for things that are worth crying for, my little brother and sister for example the way I weep for them can´t be compared to any missing lover or whatsoever and for you Sergio sweet lying ex of mine I didn´t shred a tear that´s how unimportant you were for me (I know you read this not because of me or interest in how I am doing as if you would care no simply for your own ego I know people like you too well) I never stand still too long I go on.
After nearly two hours of talking he had to take the bus home another long bus drive (almost 2 hours) which he luckily thought was worth it. As I walked with him to the bus stop I noticed twice a little touch on my shoulder (it are the small things that count the most on first dates) Should I take that or the fantasy talking as a sign? Perhaps both. On our way through what seemed to be the desert we made fun of the farmers architecture and how it seemed there were still no normal cross paths at all but we survived and made it to the other side of the road. There we discussed vegetables never thought that could be as enjoyable as it was but I guess the flirtations in between made it interesting enough to go on about.
Ten minutes never seemed to pass quicker, as he stood ready to gesture the bus like he was a typical New Yorker getting a cab. As the buss pulled over it was time for us to say our sweet goodbye. There was a doubting from both mine and his side as if we didn´t know what to do or what to say for a fraction of a second we just stood there in a certain ballroom dance position looking at each other and that slowed my breath briefly. We were not sure what to do though the intensity in my eyes while looking deeply in his kind of betrayed me from being mysterious and held back. When I see potential I´m not good at hiding it and I definitely didn´t this time. It was a small soft first date kiss not too much but surely not too little and it was pretty unexpected but the good kind of surprise.
I walked home pretty carefree and softly giggling after all I´m still a girl who had a first date and that never gets old. As much as I´m interested in starting to read this book I wanna be sure its written in the write ink especially after all the lies I heard from Sergio though he was far from perfect, my mind is still good at ignoring reality when I like someone. So I try not to get confused already by his way of walking or laughing or talking (there I go, things I shouldn´t think of if I wanna think clear) So I don´t for now, don´t make myself jump to conclusions too fast or too far not yet its too dangerous in the unknown. If I´m just allowed to say one thing something pretty innocent I would say that I like him.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A first date that felt like I knew him already
So yesterday I was for a moment outside of my daily stressful life. For a while no crying mom on the background and not the constant reminding of the missing of my little brother and sister. It was the first time in a long time that I actually had fun and felt free of mind. Although I left my date waiting a hour for me which was not my intention but yeah I guess I come late so now and than. I finally entered the doors of the Starbucks and you can say that the tension really got to me the moment someone suddenly started waving at me, I thought in my head "Please let it not be him." then I remembered that he texted me he was siting on the right side and this was clearly left. So I passed by the weirdo and looked around me if I could sense any glimpse of the one I came for.
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
Don´t forget to check out my music or add me on facebook http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
Don´t forget to check out my music or add me on facebook http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Tears on my sisters face
Last Friday we talked again to my little sister and brother. Their hearts so visually broken that we could watch it in the way they looked in that camera lens. The constant rejecting of tears from both sides of the empty screen since our universe became so filled with sorrow that its impossible to ignore. Its so deep rooted in us, the missing, the haunting memories, the insecure thoughts of when they return home. Its unbelievable how far some people go to keep their wallets filled, throwing small children into a pool of despair just so they can buy more luxury more hollowness and I don´t understand why, why it takes so long for every one to find out what´s going on in Sweden, why it takes so long for them to be released, for our wishes to find them cos we´ve been sitting on the ground for so long, begging constantly for a higher power to interfere.
I looked into my sisters eyes last Friday, almost touched the pain in it. She shared another story about how she´s bullied, how the son of the family hits her and how my little brother stood there unable to do anything about it out of fear. As the son knocked her to the floor he could feel her hopelessness but couldn´t even raise his voice. "I will be blamed for it." His guilt spoke. And of course we understood. We understand everything little hero. I hope you will never feel that any of this is your fault cos it most certainly isn´t. Its never your fault my two beautiful strong sweetnesses. You can´t win from evil but please let it never change who you are, let this hell not define who you have always been. Stay our precious babies, don´t let the sadness make you grow keep playing with barbie dolls and race cars instead of crying and wondering about time. One day you will be in our arms again, we don´t know when but keep hope, strength, believe and faith very close to your hearts and remember "Love will always win."
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Friday, November 29, 2013
Help us
Help me wish that my brother and sister will be released from Sweden and their foster parents before christmas 2013 and that we can spend New years eve together. Annelinyo and Serena we love you forever and always will and soon very soon our prayers will be found and you´ll be home again keep faith and courage my sweetnesses soon we will hug you tight and never let go.
Help us get them back!!!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Christmas days
As Christmas passed so does this year nearly end. It seems like every Christmas gets more lonely focused on those things that are unimportant. The meaning of Christmas is slowly getting lost. But what do i know? all i know is that i was feeling tired and numb during the day, appetite was somewhere away from my taste. Sending messages to those who might know me a bit, fades my inner pain a little. At the same time it doubled got reminded that some persons don't care at all. They stay just strangers. As i kept hoping for more, begging for more always i just receive emptiness. Find myself crying daily forgetting the sense of joy.
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