For "The one" who knows he is.

As I find myself waking up by the sound of your text my thoughts wonder off. I don't easily love something more than being present in someone's mind. I waited in patience staring at empty screens countless so many countless times. Wondering, doubting but you, you don't give me the chance for that since you're always present. Although we're not together all the time there seems to be no absence between you and I there is no distance so far and it would mean the world to me if you would always keep it the exact same for as long as ''we'' are we.

I know that I am emotional, intense and difficult I'm well aware of that fact but if you can handle that I will give you the kind of love which is everlasting, dreamy and fully without regret. This love which some may find too heavy, obsessive and reckless might be what describes me. I hold on so tightly to someone who wants to be hold at the same time the ones who had to leave I let go without telling them a word.

I believe in fairytales, it are the only books capturing the blackest pages which turn to the purest white just because of love and I refuse to believe after hearing so much hearts warning me telling me it doesn't exist well what if it does?
Sure I have felt like this before, more than once or twice what might make the difference this time is that you might actually feel like I.

It takes a lot to convince me, to shelter my heart inside of someone else's is something I haven't done for quite a long time. I do carry the sense you are worth the biggest place in mine.

My life is far from easy ever since my family got separated and destroyed, my mind might be heavy and I cry a lot and you might have no idea how much it saves me to be hold, how much it saves me to just belong inside a kiss and to think of completely nothing to find in your arms the ease and gentle rest. After all the pressure, nightmares, trials but most of all, all the sad. I feel so happy in the moments we spent that I almost feel guilty for it since then it feels like I nearly forget the pain and hopelessness which surrounds each bit.

I really hope that you're not ever going to let me go because as much as I hate to admit it I never needed someone more than I need you right now and I hope you will always be that someone which for me will mean that ''You're the one'' I believe you only find that person when your heart has been broken enough. I can only say I hope mine has so it can stay yours and I want yours to be mine forever more and more and more.

Thought for tonight

Made a poetic quest with just some random thoughts of mine.

What if

What if my disaster isn't easy enough for you to fit in
my doubts might be too big
my worries too deep

what if my wanting is not what you are used to
perhaps I inhale too heavy
or my lust too loud for you to bear

What if my heart is a too early filled image of you and me
you´re heart might not even be ready
and you´re mind finds it far too early to believe

What if my dreams are too empty for you to find a place
my pain might be out of your reach
and my silence might be too silent for you to sleep

What if the best version of me has to be better
which I can´t change
you might have been looking for someone different then me

What if we're not as similar as we first believed
maybe I annoy you
or we are just not meant to be

What if the fears I hold you can't vanish in me
I might be feeling you slowly letting go
while time steals like a thief

What if my tears are too present for you to dry
perhaps you're not able to fix my broken heart inside
I might I love yours more than you will ever love mine.

In love with love

I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.

I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.

I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.

It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.

What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.

I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.

Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.

Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link http://vimeo.com/36289832

Birthday wish for my little sister.

Today my little sister Serena became 8 years old. I remember the first time I held her in my hands all safe and unharmed by life. I travel to that moment so many times as I hear her laughter and touch her joy in memory and then I see her empty lingering eyes on my screen while my little brother tells her not to cry cos else they can´t talk to us anymore. A broken page inside such a beautiful book they became. I can not even talk about the missing even if I would find the words to describe it I can´t write them down for they would be too heavy for anyone to bare. I can only say I miss her, we miss her, we miss them with every fiber of who we are, who we were.

Its the first time we don´t eat cake and inside my heart I´m singing happy birthday to her hoping she feels it through her sadness as she blows the candles of a tasteless cake. She doesn´t have to tell me or anyone what her wish is since its written all over her face.

My mom will be sitting silently and exhausted in an airplane seat today and tomorrow she sees them for the first time in 8 months and we all know that her heart will be torn appart when she has to leave again. I can´t imagine being as strong as she is. I wouldn´t even dare to go, the confrontation alone would be too unbearable for me I rather stay in the distance from it all. My mom is such an incredible strong woman she just shelters her pain and looks through the fear for just 2 hours of holding them. Those 2 hours will make her 10 years older but she doesn´t mind as long as she finds that bliss and has those 2 hours with them.

I hope every one will keep my little brother and sister in their hearts and please keep wishing for them to be home soon.

I made this song and as usual I recorded it at home in a freestyle way. The words were there hidden in my soul and pain and its all for her, for my little sister Serena who has become 8 years old today. She has her birthday and has to celebrate it with strange people in a strange country and why? To keep Sweden´s social money going. Its 8 months now since I have seen my little brother and sister and I still can´t believe this is happening. Today my family´s heart breaks just a little more since we never thought we would ever have to celebrate a birthday like this. Please keep my little brother and sister in your heart and keep wishing for them to return home soon.

Lyrics

You´re not here today
we can´t blow candles today
oh this shattered cake on the table is too bitter to taste
is too bitter to take
you´re 8 years old now

but your tears are so heavy
you feel so heavy
and I can´t tell you when its over
when its over?
I quest touching this cross chain around my neck
patience strikes we survive in it
but time
oh time
grips us so different

this birthday blows the pain into our hearts
right into our hearts
oh Serena
sweet Serena
you are in our hearts
and soon you'll be back home
with your brother on your hand

The amazing compostion "You and I" I used is from Christoph Sebastien.

To follow the story about my family go to
http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/

To contact me this is where you can find me:
http://angelunthinkable.wix.com/site
http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
http://angelunthinkable.bandcamp.com
http://twitter.com/angelunthinkabl
https://soundcloud.com/angel-unthinkable

Deception trapped me again

So this Year started out great for me (Not) I met another deception. This one even worse then the most I have met. So this guy knew my core, my secrets, my dreams and all the fears I had hidden. I only knew him for about two weeks. Yeah you can go ahead call me crazy, a sucker for love. Tell me something I don´t know yet about myself. His betrayal did him nothing, never thought twice of the lies he spoke in clear broad daylight. I could put up with his stupid jokes and the way he got annoyed by my small spelling mistakes.

The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.

I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.

What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.

Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.

My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.

Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.

I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.

Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.

Song about my little brother and sister who are kidnapped by the Swedish government

The lyrics for a new song I´m going to work on soon, sweet brother and sister keep having faith in love and in our strenght as a family. Nothing is able to break our endless love for each other, dream louder and louder every day and please every one who reads this wish harder and harder every day for them to return home as soon as possible.

Motionless

(verse 1)
Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart
for so long we´ve been apart
we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost
oh how I wish that you were here with us
I wanna kiss your face
and take you away
take you away
from that empty place

(chorus)
I can´t change it
I can´t fix it
I´m numbed in the heart
And I can´t find more tears to cry
I can´t fight it
No I can´t hide it
I´m totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 2)
Sweet little brother
I´m staring at your fear
all the times they manipulate you inside you scream
It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak
Oh how I wish that you were here with me
I wanna hold your hand
and take you away
take you away
from that hollow place

(chorus 1x)

(verse 3)
And until you two are here
we stay on our knees
begging life to bring you home
begging life to bring you home
but you´re thousands of miles away
missing us the same
as you´re laying in strange beds
crying on a tearful pillow case

(bridge)
Oh how we wish that you were here
We wanna take you away
take you away
from that scary place

(chorus)
but we can´t change it
we can´t fix it
we´re numbed in the heart
and we can´t find more tears to cry
We can´t fight it
No we can´t hide it
we´re totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 4)
But you´ll be back home,
just hold on
tomorrow knows our prayers will be found
and till then please
don´t be scared
cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home
back with us.

Wish for them to smile like that again, wish for me to hug them until they fall asleep, wish for my mom to hold them while kissing their faces. Please wish they will be released out of Sweden before Christmas and that they will be home again sleeping in their own beds while whispering "I love you"

Help us

Help me wish that my brother and sister will be released from Sweden and their foster parents before christmas 2013 and that we can spend New years eve together. Annelinyo and Serena we love you forever and always will and soon very soon our prayers will be found and you´ll be home again keep faith and courage my sweetnesses soon we will hug you tight and never let go.

Help us get them back!!!

My past, my right here right now experience

So started living a little again, my life was on hold for the last months. Being acused, judged and suspected for being a prostitute. It was a crazy mess, but hey that´s life. Its something that haunts you, your core and all the things I am. Did I became more careful? More aware?
or Scared? Never.

They can all go to hell with their accusations, I am innocent, stay innocent and I will never feel guilty or ashamed of who I am and always will be. And that is someone who is proud to wear cloths of this century in this modern age in which will all live in freedom. I´m not going to hide inside of a gray jeans, I´m not going to shut up or lay my pen down, just so I don´t need to worry to be locked up. I don´t know when Sweden became Russia, I don´t know when proof no longer became important, I just know that I was there to see it happen. It was a horrible experience one I never forget but it taught me how unfair life is and that I´m not the only one who gets judged. Discrimination is there in all sorts and forms and I never understood how serious it can be, how it can shape your life. I have always been a artist writing about certain things every one hides away for. Is it wrong to speak the truth? to discover things and learn things about life. I wanna know the parts of the world, the beautiful, the painful, the dark and the light which is always there to guide me home. Life is about learning, watching and understanding but why do we have to go through it? I wonder about a purpose while I don´t even know if life itselfs has one. Pray selfishly like every one for my pain and my families misery to end but its so busy up there from all the crying screams that echo through broken windows that it might take I while to find them. Right now me and my family are stuck in the waiting, waiting for a distand call from the ones who tore my family apart and keep my sweet little sister and courageous small brother far away from us. In a foster house in Sweden they sit still pretending in silence surrounded by selfmade bracelets and fake toys. Forcing frozen smiles on their lips while whispering "I love you mommy." before they fall asleep in their strange beds. Its almost like I hear them calling I spoke the same whispering each and every night in that institution for the 3 months I was locked up in there. If I could have choosen I would have stayed in their place, I would easily have given my freedom for their´s but it was not the call I could have made. I can not describe how much I miss my little sister and brother, how proud I am on them both for keeping faith and for staying this strong. Oh the way my sister talks about christmas and how her defeated eyes accepted already that she´s not gonna spend it with us this year it breaks my heart and the way my little brother asks us what we had for dinner while knowing he´s not able to eat it himself that feeling rests in every bite. To watch fear expressed on their small faces while laughing, laughing so intensely that it hurts to see. It makes you ask life why? why? why? The answer lays somewhere together with the constant doubt of when? when? when will we see them again? We don´t know, and they know it so well that they stopped asking us for a answer? As if they know now that we died each time we heard that question. Its 5 months ago now that I held their hand for the last time, I hugged them both the longest as if I could feel that it would take longer to see them than the others which were also taken. Luckily my bigger brother and sister got released from their institution after 3 months like me. We´re back in Holland now, back home but what is a home when you´re not together. A castle of memories perhaps. I stopped looking at pictures, numbed my mind together with my heart as good as I could. Keep feeling though, feeling everything; the pain in my mothers voice, the wreckless running panic of my father, The constant fighting tears of my sister, The silence of my brother and where am I? I guess I´m avoidiong it, the sorrow I´m too weak to face. I have to stay strong, my mom already cries enough for each one of us. I stay in the distance, putting my thoughts on paper, in music and poetry. It saves me from going in between dramatic waves, I much rather lay on the bottom of the ocean until the day we will all be reunited in our broken sand castle happily starting to rebuild it again.