The song I have been able to make because of the beautiful composition Glace of dust by Luigi Rubino.
That composition really made me able to pour my heart out to describe my mothers sorrow and pain and how she wishes this nightmare to stop. Every one please share this with the world no mother or child should be forced to go through this and the worst part is that its all for the social money system of Sweden.
So its a few minutes past my brothers birthday now he turned eleven years old today. Its so strange the way time keeps passing even while he and my sister are still in Sweden a country so far away from ours. Almost 10 months passed but still that last hug I gave them is present in my mind heavily each day.
Today my mind was with my mom on her journey to see them again. Tomorrow is the big day for 4 hours they're reunited, for 4 hours they will be children again instead of the emotionless broken robots their fosterparents force them to be. I still wonder why? Its that question I will probably never get an answer on neither one of us will ever know the reason although its clearly written on the fosterparents bank account.
I wish I could be there for my mom to hold her when she has to leave them again but at the same time I would never be able to feel that kind of pain. I hope she gets through tomorrow and that she will be back home safely. I still hope my brother and sister will soon be home again.
Sweet brother I hope you had a nice birthday and that you enjoy your gifts, that you are strong when mommy has to leave you and your sister again that you both will be brave like always and that you keep hope even when finding the strength for that seems so hard. You will be home again and hopefully that day is soon.
I love you Annelinyo and Serena and I hope you know that you are always on my mind even when I try not to think of the sadness you are always there.
I left the fantasy for a while as I went back home this morning with his kiss still present on my lips the whole ride home I thought about the warmth of his body and the tenderness I held more close then I ever did. I don't dream often these days and by that I don't mean that I don't dream but that I can´t think of the images in my sleep as dreams, they are violent painful black pages of missing and longing. Someone asked me how that feels well it feels like a screaming no one can hear within yourself as almost reaching hands but not close enough to hold them. You know the kind of feeling of going under water and then when you can´t hold your breath longer you go up well I never go back up I just don't drown which keeps me dead yet alive enough to pretend to be living.
The moment I entered the front door I left Neverland and was thrown back into reality, there are memories everywhere but you know what I see? Only the broken cracks in each frame instead of the picture and I try so hard to ignore the fact that I miss my little brother and sister, their smell, their soft small hands, their laughter and their overwhelming happiness but ignoring that feeling doesn't mean that it isn't there it only makes it worse. The holding back of tears can´t make em vanish but I´m so good at pretending nowadays that I fool myself while the unspoken truth rests in me.
I miss them so unbearably that it hurts to breath sometimes and the only time that I don´t feel it is when he holds me, when I look in his eyes my mind stops turning and I can laugh sincere instead of faking it yet the being happy kills me on the inside as well cos I know at the same time my mom´s heart is breaking so heavily each minute of the day and I feel that each time I smile. I used to love life so much before my family got separated and I would like to know the reason for it, why me and my family have to go through this kind of pain for their paycheck.
Can you imagine what its like? to be 8 and 10 years old far away from your family while being stuck in a country you don´t belong and talking a different language than you´re used to. I know that my pain can not compare against theirs and they stay so strong as they wake up each morning at 7 am to go to a school where they´re learning Swedish instead of Dutch. They are so incredibly brave and I love them so much but I can only hope and wish that they will be home soon.
This song owns most of what´s still left of my heart, its about the daily missing of my little brother and sister
who I haven´t seen in 7 months I miss those sweet little faces each minute of the day and I can´t understand why this had to happen to my family but I guess I wouldn´t wish any family to go through this. No one will be truly able to understand what this is like until you go through it and experience it yourself. I sang this song as a freestyle the words seem to have been inside of my soul ever since this all started happening I guess that´s why I could sing this in just one single recording and it turned out even better than I thought the song would become. It shows how happy my family was and how much fun we had while at the same time it shows the way the Swedish social workers and the police destroyed our family and a little part of it at the beginning also shows in what kind of deep sadness my brother and sister are because they don´t understand why. It is impossible to explain because there simply is no reason for this, we were just a family from Holland on vacation in Sweden and this was not even permitted to happen, something so unthinkable and wrong.
Then you also have to start wondering yourself. You go through all the why´s and possible reasons of why Sweden is doing this and when you start counting up everything you even have to bare the knowledge that they do this for just money purposes and that over the back of innocent children and innocent parents. Sweden doesn´t care about destroying families as long as their wallets keep getting refilled. I want every one to be aware of this, of the things that are going on in the corrupt government system of Sweden. So please every one who reads this please share this video and this post and keep yourself informed by reading also my other blog about Sweden only http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/
Lyrics of my song
(Beginning poem)
Its like a nightmare you can´t wake up from as if that little world you always trusted on would keep existing just shattered. Like the ground underneath faded and you are only surrounded by despair within hopeless screams. Promissing yourself to hold them each night before you fall asleep, you can almost touch their soft faces while their thousands of milles away its not the you missing them which kills you its the knowing that they miss you in that same unbearable way. Sweet little brother and sister you will be home again.
Tomorrow is the day, going up or under. I never wished, prayed as much for things to work out right. The whole day the look of my little brother and sisters hopeful faces haunt me but I believe in their hope though I´m terrified inside and that fear is hard to bare so I supress what I feel pretty well for now. I know that tomorrow at 1pm my breath will slow for a moment and my heart will be only beating for them. I hope this judge will act human, that he´s realistic and reasonable I mean how can you punish someone for being innocent, how can you make children the victim without any charges of whatsoever. I don´t know I just know that I hope this nightmare will be over after tomorrow. That the desicion will be our release and espacially the release of my mom. Since she became just a shade of who she used to be, a skinny tearfilled frame of a woman who always sacreficed everything for her children. We are the center of her universe always were always will. That makes it this unfair and hard to swallow for every one. Well I hope every one who reads this will think about my little brother and sister tomorrow at 1 pm and that you all wish for them to return home.
The lyrics for a new song I´m going to work on soon, sweet brother and sister keep having faith in love and in our strenght as a family. Nothing is able to break our endless love for each other, dream louder and louder every day and please every one who reads this wish harder and harder every day for them to return home as soon as possible.
Motionless
(verse 1) Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart for so long we´ve been apart we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost oh how I wish that you were here with us I wanna kiss your face and take you away take you away from that empty place (chorus) I can´t change it I can´t fix it I´m numbed in the heart And I can´t find more tears to cry I can´t fight it No I can´t hide it I´m totally motionless Totally motionless (verse 2) Sweet little brother I´m staring at your fear all the times they manipulate you inside you scream It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak Oh how I wish that you were here with me I wanna hold your hand and take you away take you away from that hollow place (chorus 1x) (verse 3) And until you two are here we stay on our knees begging life to bring you home begging life to bring you home but you´re thousands of miles away missing us the same as you´re laying in strange beds crying on a tearful pillow case (bridge) Oh how we wish that you were here We wanna take you away take you away from that scary place (chorus) but we can´t change it we can´t fix it we´re numbed in the heart and we can´t find more tears to cry We can´t fight it No we can´t hide it we´re totally motionless Totally motionless (verse 4) But you´ll be back home, just hold on tomorrow knows our prayers will be found and till then please don´t be scared cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home back with us.
Wish for them to smile like that again, wish for me to hug them until they fall asleep, wish for my mom to hold them while kissing their faces. Please wish they will be released out of Sweden before Christmas and that they will be home again sleeping in their own beds while whispering "I love you"
Help me wish that my brother and sister will be released from Sweden and their foster parents before christmas 2013 and that we can spend New years eve together. Annelinyo and Serena we love you forever and always will and soon very soon our prayers will be found and you´ll be home again keep faith and courage my sweetnesses soon we will hug you tight and never let go. Help us get them back!!!
So started living a little again, my life was on hold for the last months. Being acused, judged and suspected for being a prostitute. It was a crazy mess, but hey that´s life. Its something that haunts you, your core and all the things I am. Did I became more careful? More aware?
or Scared? Never.
They can all go to hell with their accusations, I am innocent, stay innocent and I will never feel guilty or ashamed of who I am and always will be. And that is someone who is proud to wear cloths of this century in this modern age in which will all live in freedom. I´m not going to hide inside of a gray jeans, I´m not going to shut up or lay my pen down, just so I don´t need to worry to be locked up. I don´t know when Sweden became Russia, I don´t know when proof no longer became important, I just know that I was there to see it happen. It was a horrible experience one I never forget but it taught me how unfair life is and that I´m not the only one who gets judged. Discrimination is there in all sorts and forms and I never understood how serious it can be, how it can shape your life. I have always been a artist writing about certain things every one hides away for. Is it wrong to speak the truth? to discover things and learn things about life. I wanna know the parts of the world, the beautiful, the painful, the dark and the light which is always there to guide me home. Life is about learning, watching and understanding but why do we have to go through it? I wonder about a purpose while I don´t even know if life itselfs has one. Pray selfishly like every one for my pain and my families misery to end but its so busy up there from all the crying screams that echo through broken windows that it might take I while to find them. Right now me and my family are stuck in the waiting, waiting for a distand call from the ones who tore my family apart and keep my sweet little sister and courageous small brother far away from us. In a foster house in Sweden they sit still pretending in silence surrounded by selfmade bracelets and fake toys. Forcing frozen smiles on their lips while whispering "I love you mommy." before they fall asleep in their strange beds. Its almost like I hear them calling I spoke the same whispering each and every night in that institution for the 3 months I was locked up in there. If I could have choosen I would have stayed in their place, I would easily have given my freedom for their´s but it was not the call I could have made. I can not describe how much I miss my little sister and brother, how proud I am on them both for keeping faith and for staying this strong. Oh the way my sister talks about christmas and how her defeated eyes accepted already that she´s not gonna spend it with us this year it breaks my heart and the way my little brother asks us what we had for dinner while knowing he´s not able to eat it himself that feeling rests in every bite. To watch fear expressed on their small faces while laughing, laughing so intensely that it hurts to see. It makes you ask life why? why? why? The answer lays somewhere together with the constant doubt of when? when? when will we see them again? We don´t know, and they know it so well that they stopped asking us for a answer? As if they know now that we died each time we heard that question. Its 5 months ago now that I held their hand for the last time, I hugged them both the longest as if I could feel that it would take longer to see them than the others which were also taken. Luckily my bigger brother and sister got released from their institution after 3 months like me. We´re back in Holland now, back home but what is a home when you´re not together. A castle of memories perhaps. I stopped looking at pictures, numbed my mind together with my heart as good as I could. Keep feeling though, feeling everything; the pain in my mothers voice, the wreckless running panic of my father, The constant fighting tears of my sister, The silence of my brother and where am I? I guess I´m avoidiong it, the sorrow I´m too weak to face. I have to stay strong, my mom already cries enough for each one of us. I stay in the distance, putting my thoughts on paper, in music and poetry. It saves me from going in between dramatic waves, I much rather lay on the bottom of the ocean until the day we will all be reunited in our broken sand castle happily starting to rebuild it again.
