Monday morning I left Neverland

I left the fantasy for a while as I went back home this morning with his kiss still present on my lips the whole ride home I thought about the warmth of his body and the tenderness I held more close then I ever did. I don't dream often these days and by that I don't mean that I don't dream but that I can´t think of the images in my sleep as dreams, they are violent painful black pages of missing and longing. Someone asked me how that feels well it feels like a screaming no one can hear within yourself as almost reaching hands but not close enough to hold them. You know the kind of feeling of going under water and then when you can´t hold your breath longer you go up well I never go back up I just don't drown which keeps me dead yet alive enough to pretend to be living.

The moment I entered the front door I left Neverland and was thrown back into reality, there are memories everywhere but you know what I see? Only the broken cracks in each frame instead of the picture and I try so hard to ignore the fact that I miss my little brother and sister, their smell, their soft small hands, their laughter and their overwhelming happiness but ignoring that feeling doesn't mean that it isn't there it only makes it worse. The holding back of tears can´t make em vanish but I´m so good at pretending nowadays that I fool myself while the unspoken truth rests in me.

I miss them so unbearably that it hurts to breath sometimes and the only time that I don´t feel it is when he holds me, when I look in his eyes my mind stops turning and I can laugh sincere instead of faking it yet the being happy kills me on the inside as well cos I know at the same time my mom´s heart is breaking so heavily each minute of the day and I feel that each time I smile. I used to love life so much before my family got separated and I would like to know the reason for it, why me and my family have to go through this kind of pain for their paycheck.

Can you imagine what its like? to be 8 and 10 years old far away from your family while being stuck in a country you don´t belong and talking a different language than you´re used to. I know that my pain can not compare against theirs and they stay so strong as they wake up each morning at 7 am to go to a school where they´re learning Swedish instead of Dutch. They are so incredibly brave and I love them so much but I can only hope and wish that they will be home soon.

Birthday wish for my little sister.

Today my little sister Serena became 8 years old. I remember the first time I held her in my hands all safe and unharmed by life. I travel to that moment so many times as I hear her laughter and touch her joy in memory and then I see her empty lingering eyes on my screen while my little brother tells her not to cry cos else they can´t talk to us anymore. A broken page inside such a beautiful book they became. I can not even talk about the missing even if I would find the words to describe it I can´t write them down for they would be too heavy for anyone to bare. I can only say I miss her, we miss her, we miss them with every fiber of who we are, who we were.

Its the first time we don´t eat cake and inside my heart I´m singing happy birthday to her hoping she feels it through her sadness as she blows the candles of a tasteless cake. She doesn´t have to tell me or anyone what her wish is since its written all over her face.

My mom will be sitting silently and exhausted in an airplane seat today and tomorrow she sees them for the first time in 8 months and we all know that her heart will be torn appart when she has to leave again. I can´t imagine being as strong as she is. I wouldn´t even dare to go, the confrontation alone would be too unbearable for me I rather stay in the distance from it all. My mom is such an incredible strong woman she just shelters her pain and looks through the fear for just 2 hours of holding them. Those 2 hours will make her 10 years older but she doesn´t mind as long as she finds that bliss and has those 2 hours with them.

I hope every one will keep my little brother and sister in their hearts and please keep wishing for them to be home soon.

I made this song and as usual I recorded it at home in a freestyle way. The words were there hidden in my soul and pain and its all for her, for my little sister Serena who has become 8 years old today. She has her birthday and has to celebrate it with strange people in a strange country and why? To keep Sweden´s social money going. Its 8 months now since I have seen my little brother and sister and I still can´t believe this is happening. Today my family´s heart breaks just a little more since we never thought we would ever have to celebrate a birthday like this. Please keep my little brother and sister in your heart and keep wishing for them to return home soon.

Lyrics

You´re not here today
we can´t blow candles today
oh this shattered cake on the table is too bitter to taste
is too bitter to take
you´re 8 years old now

but your tears are so heavy
you feel so heavy
and I can´t tell you when its over
when its over?
I quest touching this cross chain around my neck
patience strikes we survive in it
but time
oh time
grips us so different

this birthday blows the pain into our hearts
right into our hearts
oh Serena
sweet Serena
you are in our hearts
and soon you'll be back home
with your brother on your hand

The amazing compostion "You and I" I used is from Christoph Sebastien.

To follow the story about my family go to
http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/

To contact me this is where you can find me:
http://angelunthinkable.wix.com/site
http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
http://angelunthinkable.bandcamp.com
http://twitter.com/angelunthinkabl
https://soundcloud.com/angel-unthinkable

Legal human trafficking Sweden

This song owns most of what´s still left of my heart, its about the daily missing of my little brother and sister

who I haven´t seen in 7 months I miss those sweet little faces each minute of the day and I can´t understand why this had to happen to my family but I guess I wouldn´t wish any family to go through this. No one will be truly able to understand what this is like until you go through it and experience it yourself. I sang this song as  a freestyle the words seem to have been inside of my soul ever since this all started happening I guess that´s why I could sing this in just one single recording and it turned out even better than I thought the song would become. It shows how happy my family was and how much fun we had while at the same time it shows the way the Swedish social workers and the police destroyed our family and a little part of it at the beginning also shows in what kind of deep sadness my brother and sister are because they don´t understand why. It is impossible to explain because there simply is no reason for this, we were just a family from Holland on vacation in Sweden and this was not even permitted to happen, something so unthinkable and wrong.

Then you also have to start wondering yourself. You go through all the why´s and possible reasons of why Sweden is doing this and when you start counting up everything you even have to bare the knowledge that they do this for just money purposes and that over the back of innocent children and innocent parents. Sweden doesn´t care about destroying families as long as their wallets keep getting refilled. I want every one to be aware of this, of the things that are going on in the corrupt government system of Sweden. So please every one who reads this please share this video and this post and keep yourself informed by reading also my other blog about Sweden only http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/

Lyrics of my song 

(Beginning poem)

Its like a nightmare you can´t wake up from as if that little world you always trusted on would keep existing just shattered. Like the ground underneath faded and you are only surrounded by despair within hopeless screams. Promissing yourself to hold them each night before you fall asleep, you can almost touch their soft faces while their thousands of milles away its not the you missing them which kills you its the knowing that they miss you in that same unbearable way. Sweet little brother and sister you will be home again.

(Verse 1)

I know a place where the grass is green

where the trees are never dying

I know what it feels like to believe in something

Oh I held your baby feet and your little hands 

how they surrounded me 

(Chorus)

Oh I miss you so

and this feeling inside stays unbearable 

(Bridge)

I hold on to the wishing 

all the praying

but it remains unthinkable 

that this could happen to us all

(Verse 2)

Now you´re both so far away from me 

and mommy still cries when she´s asleep

and she doesn´t even dare to dream

no she doesn´t even dare to dream

afraid she might feel

so afraid she might feel

(Bridge)

When does it end

when does it end

when does the missing leads us somewhere

when does it stop this punishment

(Verse 3)

This is the kind of fight we couldn´t fight

cos there is nothing true or right

they took you from us reasonless

and we pay the price

for their takes and their papers

oh this goes so far beyond their conscience

while our hearts bleed 

how they bleed each night

more dead than alive

(Chorus)

Oh we miss you so

how we miss you

oh lord please let them come home

(Verse 4)

What happened to the kindness to the people

can it not come out of their selfish shell

and show us Sweden´s human after all

show us Sweden´s human after all

(Chorus)

I miss you so sweet brave sister

I miss you so little couragous brother

stay heroes until you´re home

stay heroes until you´re back home.

What is Europe?

Its crazy to visualize yourself inside a situation in which you have no control whatsoever, its such a strange place to be and I guess I try to ignore the fact that we are. The appeal is over, the trial didn´t go as my mom expected and the lies that have been told again once more proofless took our breaths away so deeply we couldn´t even sigh. Even the organization defense of children couldn´t understand why this happened in the first place but Sweden doesn´t care about the laws each country in Europe has to follow. In the end what are the boundaries of those guidelines? I wonder how something of which every one tells us its impossible happens. How can it happen, how did it happen and why hasn´t it ended a long time ago?

All those questions carry nothing but a smell of money and the euro sign has never been as heavy as in this case. My little brother and sister are their taxes and that´s all they mean a single paycheck. Isn´t it crazy how everything shatters out of the greed of others and that innocent children are used as a source I have no further words for this.

My mom cries again, the last 6 months she has been on each step of the staircase and sometimes even she thought she wouldn´t be able to cry more but she always succeeds to reach more tears behind her eyes.
And she is strong although each time she tries to force a smile she again dies a little and I can see it happening but she is still there comforting us, helping us through while even she doesn´t know how to get through this.

And now the waiting started we don´t know what the judge will decide, we can only wish in this last moments of uncertainty that he will do what is right. Which is bringing my little brother and sister back home to their own country with their family and friends in their own language. We can only hope that this 7 month during nightmare will finally come to an end and that Sweden starts acting human again.

Tomorrow will the pain start or end let us wish for everything to be alright

Tomorrow is the day, going up or under. I never wished, prayed as much for things to work out right. The whole day the look of my little brother and sisters hopeful faces haunt me but I believe in their hope though I´m terrified inside and that fear is hard to bare so I supress what I feel pretty well for now. I know that tomorrow at 1pm my breath will slow for a moment and my heart will be only beating for them. I hope this judge will act human, that he´s realistic and reasonable I mean how can you punish someone for being innocent, how can you make children the victim without any charges of whatsoever. I don´t know I just know that I hope this nightmare will be over after tomorrow. That the desicion will be our release and espacially the release of my mom. Since she became just a shade of who she used to be, a skinny tearfilled frame of a woman who always sacreficed everything for her children. We are the center of her universe always were always will. That makes it this unfair and hard to swallow for every one. Well I hope every one who reads this will think about my little brother and sister tomorrow at 1 pm and that you all wish for them to return home.

Sign the petition against the kidnapping of my brother and sister by the Swedish government

Help me and my family get my little brother and sister back. Follow the link and Sign our petition please.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/579/252/227/sweden-give-me-back-my-brother-and-sister/

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/579/252/227/sweden-give-me-back-my-brother-and-sister/

Song about my little brother and sister who are kidnapped by the Swedish government

The lyrics for a new song I´m going to work on soon, sweet brother and sister keep having faith in love and in our strenght as a family. Nothing is able to break our endless love for each other, dream louder and louder every day and please every one who reads this wish harder and harder every day for them to return home as soon as possible.

Motionless

(verse 1)
Sweet baby sister your sad voice breaks my heart
for so long we´ve been apart
we said goodbye in such a rush and in that fearful moment we all got lost
oh how I wish that you were here with us
I wanna kiss your face
and take you away
take you away
from that empty place

(chorus)
I can´t change it
I can´t fix it
I´m numbed in the heart
And I can´t find more tears to cry
I can´t fight it
No I can´t hide it
I´m totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 2)
Sweet little brother
I´m staring at your fear
all the times they manipulate you inside you scream
It leaves me breathless, it leaves me weak
Oh how I wish that you were here with me
I wanna hold your hand
and take you away
take you away
from that hollow place

(chorus 1x)

(verse 3)
And until you two are here
we stay on our knees
begging life to bring you home
begging life to bring you home
but you´re thousands of miles away
missing us the same
as you´re laying in strange beds
crying on a tearful pillow case

(bridge)
Oh how we wish that you were here
We wanna take you away
take you away
from that scary place

(chorus)
but we can´t change it
we can´t fix it
we´re numbed in the heart
and we can´t find more tears to cry
We can´t fight it
No we can´t hide it
we´re totally motionless
Totally motionless

(verse 4)
But you´ll be back home,
just hold on
tomorrow knows our prayers will be found
and till then please
don´t be scared
cos tomorrow knows you´ll be back home
back with us.

Wish for them to smile like that again, wish for me to hug them until they fall asleep, wish for my mom to hold them while kissing their faces. Please wish they will be released out of Sweden before Christmas and that they will be home again sleeping in their own beds while whispering "I love you"

Tears on my sisters face

Last Friday we talked again to my little sister and brother. Their hearts so visually broken that we could watch it in the way they looked in that camera lens. The constant rejecting of tears from both sides of the empty screen since our universe became so filled with sorrow that its impossible to ignore. Its so deep rooted in us, the missing, the haunting memories, the insecure thoughts of when they return home. Its unbelievable how far some people go to keep their wallets filled, throwing small children into a pool of despair just so they can buy more luxury more hollowness and I don´t understand why, why it takes so long for every one to find out what´s going on in Sweden, why it takes so long for them to be released, for our wishes to find them cos we´ve been sitting on the ground for so long, begging constantly for a higher power to interfere.

I looked into my sisters eyes last Friday, almost touched the pain in it. She shared another story about how she´s bullied, how the son of the family hits her and how my little brother stood there unable to do anything about it out of fear. As the son knocked her to the floor he could feel her hopelessness but couldn´t even raise his voice. "I will be blamed for it." His guilt spoke. And of course we understood. We understand everything little hero. I hope you will never feel that any of this is your fault cos it most certainly isn´t. Its never your fault my two beautiful strong sweetnesses. You can´t win from evil but please let it never change who you are, let this hell not define who you have always been. Stay our precious babies, don´t let the sadness make you grow keep playing with barbie dolls and race cars instead of crying and wondering about time. One day you will be in our arms again, we don´t know when but keep hope, strength, believe and faith very close to your hearts and remember "Love will always win."

Help us wish that my little brother and baby sister will be home before Christmas.Lets together go against Sweden and embrace the European and International Law and help us make Sweden understand what they do is illegal Kidnapping of two innocent children only for financial reasons. Lets end this instead of Tomorrow Today.

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Do whatever you want with this but at least do Something please.

Help us

Help me wish that my brother and sister will be released from Sweden and their foster parents before christmas 2013 and that we can spend New years eve together. Annelinyo and Serena we love you forever and always will and soon very soon our prayers will be found and you´ll be home again keep faith and courage my sweetnesses soon we will hug you tight and never let go.

Help us get them back!!!

My past, my right here right now experience

So started living a little again, my life was on hold for the last months. Being acused, judged and suspected for being a prostitute. It was a crazy mess, but hey that´s life. Its something that haunts you, your core and all the things I am. Did I became more careful? More aware?
or Scared? Never.

They can all go to hell with their accusations, I am innocent, stay innocent and I will never feel guilty or ashamed of who I am and always will be. And that is someone who is proud to wear cloths of this century in this modern age in which will all live in freedom. I´m not going to hide inside of a gray jeans, I´m not going to shut up or lay my pen down, just so I don´t need to worry to be locked up. I don´t know when Sweden became Russia, I don´t know when proof no longer became important, I just know that I was there to see it happen. It was a horrible experience one I never forget but it taught me how unfair life is and that I´m not the only one who gets judged. Discrimination is there in all sorts and forms and I never understood how serious it can be, how it can shape your life. I have always been a artist writing about certain things every one hides away for. Is it wrong to speak the truth? to discover things and learn things about life. I wanna know the parts of the world, the beautiful, the painful, the dark and the light which is always there to guide me home. Life is about learning, watching and understanding but why do we have to go through it? I wonder about a purpose while I don´t even know if life itselfs has one. Pray selfishly like every one for my pain and my families misery to end but its so busy up there from all the crying screams that echo through broken windows that it might take I while to find them. Right now me and my family are stuck in the waiting, waiting for a distand call from the ones who tore my family apart and keep my sweet little sister and courageous small brother far away from us. In a foster house in Sweden they sit still pretending in silence surrounded by selfmade bracelets and fake toys. Forcing frozen smiles on their lips while whispering "I love you mommy." before they fall asleep in their strange beds. Its almost like I hear them calling I spoke the same whispering each and every night in that institution for the 3 months I was locked up in there. If I could have choosen I would have stayed in their place, I would easily have given my freedom for their´s but it was not the call I could have made. I can not describe how much I miss my little sister and brother, how proud I am on them both for keeping faith and for staying this strong. Oh the way my sister talks about christmas and how her defeated eyes accepted already that she´s not gonna spend it with us this year it breaks my heart and the way my little brother asks us what we had for dinner while knowing he´s not able to eat it himself that feeling rests in every bite. To watch fear expressed on their small faces while laughing, laughing so intensely that it hurts to see. It makes you ask life why? why? why? The answer lays somewhere together with the constant doubt of when? when? when will we see them again? We don´t know, and they know it so well that they stopped asking us for a answer? As if they know now that we died each time we heard that question. Its 5 months ago now that I held their hand for the last time, I hugged them both the longest as if I could feel that it would take longer to see them than the others which were also taken. Luckily my bigger brother and sister got released from their institution after 3 months like me. We´re back in Holland now, back home but what is a home when you´re not together. A castle of memories perhaps. I stopped looking at pictures, numbed my mind together with my heart as good as I could. Keep feeling though, feeling everything; the pain in my mothers voice, the wreckless running panic of my father, The constant fighting tears of my sister, The silence of my brother and where am I? I guess I´m avoidiong it, the sorrow I´m too weak to face. I have to stay strong, my mom already cries enough for each one of us. I stay in the distance, putting my thoughts on paper, in music and poetry. It saves me from going in between dramatic waves, I much rather lay on the bottom of the ocean until the day we will all be reunited in our broken sand castle happily starting to rebuild it again.