Every love is different, was very different in my experience. There were always those unique characteristics which made a relationship turn in various directions. Still many relations are build on illusions because what we truly desire seems to be too far out of reach while loneliness grows stronger and makes us settle for less and less in love but where do we draw the line? When do we finally realize that we need something deeper, realer, sweeter? Well we don't until that special someone comes along and makes us realize its what we've been craving for all along.
Many times I have caught myself settling for less, usually I adapted as I kept my mind on the same position thinking "he will change" well that is something I said goodbye to nearly two years ago. You can't change a person even if they say their willing to that doesn't make it possible. Someone's personality is the thing you either love or don't because the way someone think's can't be changed.
I think in life you meet certain souls who you are meant to meet not because they're meant to be but simply because they teach you things. Good and bad things with high and low meanings I think therefore all love will always be different and feel different with each person. I have met "The dreamer" he taught me to think out of the box to dream louder no matter what people tell you. "The artist" I learned from him how to use who you are to create a bit of truth in the world and it doesn't matter how you do it with words, paint or music it simply doesn't matter as long as you use your creativity to accomplish something real. "The cheater" He taught me that you should be careful with who you trust and give your heart. "The fairytale" He made me realize that if something seems too good to be true it usually is. So last but not least there was "The illusion." Perhaps the most important one of all of them since he made me understand that you can't change a person.
For most people its easier to fall in love than to love well its different for me often I didn't feel the butterflies or the stars or all those little things people describe feeling when they're in love. I think I have loved more than the being in love which is strange since usually you can't have the one thing without the other. Currently as many of you readers probably already know I have a boyfriend since March this year and he made me wonder about love a lot. The relationship we have is like a small treasure to me since I have never had this kind of relationship it has sweet written all over it and sometimes I don't even believe its real.
I always have been someone that just knew when someone was the one for me and I think "The one" does exist but not in the way most people believe. I think you don't meet him just once that would be way too easy because you change during life and so does what you are looking for but I do believe that when you finally find him that this kind of love can last forever and yes I do believe in forever while most of the cynical's out there don't since life itself isn't forever. Still I don't care I believe love lasts longer than the air, the earth, the sky and everything around us.
So what is love exactly? I think it is all the things you don't need words for like: The sigh right before a kiss, the listening without something is being said, the staring in someone's eyes while wanting to know all of them, holding each other through sleeping, being vulnerable, truthful and doubtless about your feelings.
When I met my current boyfriend or even before we met since we have been talking before actually seeing each other I already felt many things and I always make myself these promises before first dates like not expecting much and definitely never pronouncing love out loud on a first date. I'm such a bad listener even if I'm the one who made those rules usually I don't follow them. I loved him the moment we met and yes that is a cliche of romantic movies and even in there they are careful with expressing it so what was the wise thing to do? Well in love there are no rules or wise things to follow actually so I was kind of lost. I felt butterflies and stars and all those things people talk about when describing being in love and that from the moment we met. I have felt nearly the same just once before him that same intensity of love and being in love. There was this voice in me telling "He's the one" that voice had been quiet for quite some years so it was special and we didn't even kiss yet can you imagine how I felt when we kissed it only confirmed my heart even more. Its a rare feeling that he awoke in me and I promised myself to never feel like that ever again after the first time. I would never give a man a position in my life to hurt my most vulnerable part ''my heart'' I broke that promise I pronounced love on the first date and it could have gone wrong instantly since nothing can make a man more scared than the words "I love you." I can't deny that it was awkward and I don't recommend this to most people but I wouldn't have done it differently nothing of it because I did love him already on our first date and I still do every second of the day I get reminded of that.
We have the "I can't live without you" kind of love its dangerous, strong, light and heavy at the same time. He lights up my world with his smile and his crying would hurt me just as much as my own tears would. He's someone I would kill for or be killed for, the very first thing I think of before going to sleep and right after awaking and when I feel sad and that is quite much these days he's there for me and that alone makes me so happy that my sadness rests and lies the pain down next to me instead of in front of me. I need him to show me the sun when it only rains in me and I know he's nearly the only one who's able to do that. I love how I can be me with him and the way he loves me for being simply that, I love how he is always himself around me and not some stranger I don't know, I love how I can tell him anything from the most stupid joke to the most serious pain my heart carries and the way he holds me through it. I love the moment he awakes me right before he goes to work the whispering "I love you" and that soft kiss on my forehead. I love how safe he makes me feel when I'm next to him and the way he looks at me, I love the way his kiss rests on my lips and the way he touches me through the night. Actually I can't think of something I don't love about him and I never had that before there was always something but this time the page of negativity is empty. Its the good kind of empty although its a bit scary since loving someone so much is such a big risk but for him I take that risk in a heartbeat. I really hope we last forever that our love will remain like this eternally.
Here's a small poem I just loved to write about us two.
We together
We together could be called night and day
they die without each other
are different
yet the very same
We together could be moon and sun
I would be the moon for the dark knows my name like no one does
you would be the sun for the warmth of your skin could warm the coldest star
We together could be the brightest truth
defeating all the lies this world is build upon
We together could turn out to be all the things "real together" in this life stands for.
Showing posts with label angel unthinkable. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angel unthinkable. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
My journey in music so far
I'm busy making a new album, this time I want more variety and ever more truth. Since "Freedom of birds" my journey through music has gone further and further although I recorded my first song ever behind a closed door it opened so many. Many times people ask me the question why I write songs?
Well first of all I don't see it as writing I see it as sketching a message and putting it out there like painters do with their portraits. I want every one to be able to find a little part of themselves back in my words and that they feel the sensation through my voice. Touching the truth underneath the fake surface we all breath is all I ever wanted to do and working with people who inspire me and seem to have that ability to make all thoughts vanish has been my dream for the past year.
I have made tracks with so many great artists nearly all of them I can happily call my friends now. I made the amazing track "Beats within a heart" with producer Tyrant Teknology. Made a reversion of the track "For Rome" by Brian Crain. Worked together with the great artist Seth Andrew Kline on the track "Heart strings" who I can proudly call a good friend these days. Made a reversion of "I knew her" by the fantastic Alex Tiunniaev and of the song "Glace of dust" by Luigi Rubino who is also a dear friend of mine and a big inspiration. I had the honor to use compositions of Fabrizio Paterlini, Kai Engel, Andrea Carri, Those who are weary, Davide Biggi, Phillipe Marin and Soft Note.
I met so many beautiful souls on my journey but till now I find the most memorable one Australian composer Pieter Bourke who worked with artists like Lisa Gerrard of Dead can dance who's still one of my biggest inspirations in music already from the age of twelve. What a surprise it was to get an email reply from him it was one of those things you can't ever expect and I jumped of my chair by reading his words I simply couldn't believe it. We are on the moment working on a song together and I just know that its gonna be an amazing mind blowing track. It was so fantastic to talk to him through skype and I remember how incredibly nervous I was but I can truly say that he is one of the most kind and honest artists I have ever had the honor of talking to and I just know we connected and believe in similar things and values in life which is for me personally important because I think if you don't understand each others soul its hard to make something truthful together. In order to make something enchanting you have to enchant yourself first.
Another great moment was when I received an email from Ghosts of Paraguay who might want to work with me in the future which I would find great if that would happen one day.
Also the awesome dj Chris Crysand (Aka Don Lon) reached out to me for an collaboration which was cool to do. It was something different since usually I am more focused on alternative and ambient music but it was fun for a change to do something with techno.
And I am very thankful for the opportunity to collaborate together with Owlin Sanna and Gaz Cloud of duo Cloud and Owl who for my feeling also became my friends. Currently we are working on two tracks together and I'm sure they will be both equally fantastic.
Last but not least I made reversions of the songs "By night" from Sophie Hutchings "Fade" By Heinali. "Everything" By Asfandyar and "Lament" By Balmorhea which is the newest song I wrote dedicated to victims of domestic violence.
My new album will again feature a number of great artists some new, some familiar to me but each song has a meaning and I hope that every one who listens finds their own personal meaning. This album is different from "Freedom of birds" because my musical reach grew and so did the songs on my new album. I am almost one year further from the moment I wrote my first song and I never forget that moment of setting my imprisonment free for a while it felt like I was not in there in that institution I could fly, I could scream, I could pronounce the truth, the missing, the injustice, the pain, the sadness, the lies and that meant everything to me since it was all I had in there it was my only release from that unfair reality. I still wake up sad since my brother and sister are still being kept in a Swedish foster home of course that is unreal and a double feeling I get reminded of it each time I laugh it hurts twice as much as simply crying but after ten months you are out of tears and somehow you try to go on with your life. I do that by writing, singing and creating poetry its the best distraction I ever found, you are so in the moment that time seems to stop sometimes and that is a great feeling.
A lot of things changed I learned a lot of life, love and sadness I want to thank every one for your sweet messages and I want you to know that when I'm feeling defeated and weak I open my email and start reading so thank you for that support. I'm grateful for the kindness I receive for the understanding and for all those little things some of you dreamers tell me each day. I'm gonna share one thing a loyal fan wrote me two days ago
"Angel you make art out of the most difficult pain and you contain it so easily that my heart breaks by hearing your voice. I don't know how you do it pouring tears in your words and turn them into pearls but I hope you will keep on making beautiful songs amazing ones and that many more artists want to work with you because you are fantastic." -Steve Taylor
Thank you so much Steve and all of you dreamers who take the time to write me and support me and my music.
Also what I just have to mention which is a very sweet thing in my life is my current boyfriend he means the world to me and although I know I am sometimes not the most easy girl he is there through everything and that is a feeling I didn't know yet. We love each other so intimately that I hope it will last forever cos although I know forever doesn't exists I still believe in it.
Well first of all I don't see it as writing I see it as sketching a message and putting it out there like painters do with their portraits. I want every one to be able to find a little part of themselves back in my words and that they feel the sensation through my voice. Touching the truth underneath the fake surface we all breath is all I ever wanted to do and working with people who inspire me and seem to have that ability to make all thoughts vanish has been my dream for the past year.
I have made tracks with so many great artists nearly all of them I can happily call my friends now. I made the amazing track "Beats within a heart" with producer Tyrant Teknology. Made a reversion of the track "For Rome" by Brian Crain. Worked together with the great artist Seth Andrew Kline on the track "Heart strings" who I can proudly call a good friend these days. Made a reversion of "I knew her" by the fantastic Alex Tiunniaev and of the song "Glace of dust" by Luigi Rubino who is also a dear friend of mine and a big inspiration. I had the honor to use compositions of Fabrizio Paterlini, Kai Engel, Andrea Carri, Those who are weary, Davide Biggi, Phillipe Marin and Soft Note.
I met so many beautiful souls on my journey but till now I find the most memorable one Australian composer Pieter Bourke who worked with artists like Lisa Gerrard of Dead can dance who's still one of my biggest inspirations in music already from the age of twelve. What a surprise it was to get an email reply from him it was one of those things you can't ever expect and I jumped of my chair by reading his words I simply couldn't believe it. We are on the moment working on a song together and I just know that its gonna be an amazing mind blowing track. It was so fantastic to talk to him through skype and I remember how incredibly nervous I was but I can truly say that he is one of the most kind and honest artists I have ever had the honor of talking to and I just know we connected and believe in similar things and values in life which is for me personally important because I think if you don't understand each others soul its hard to make something truthful together. In order to make something enchanting you have to enchant yourself first.
Another great moment was when I received an email from Ghosts of Paraguay who might want to work with me in the future which I would find great if that would happen one day.
Also the awesome dj Chris Crysand (Aka Don Lon) reached out to me for an collaboration which was cool to do. It was something different since usually I am more focused on alternative and ambient music but it was fun for a change to do something with techno.
And I am very thankful for the opportunity to collaborate together with Owlin Sanna and Gaz Cloud of duo Cloud and Owl who for my feeling also became my friends. Currently we are working on two tracks together and I'm sure they will be both equally fantastic.
Last but not least I made reversions of the songs "By night" from Sophie Hutchings "Fade" By Heinali. "Everything" By Asfandyar and "Lament" By Balmorhea which is the newest song I wrote dedicated to victims of domestic violence.
My new album will again feature a number of great artists some new, some familiar to me but each song has a meaning and I hope that every one who listens finds their own personal meaning. This album is different from "Freedom of birds" because my musical reach grew and so did the songs on my new album. I am almost one year further from the moment I wrote my first song and I never forget that moment of setting my imprisonment free for a while it felt like I was not in there in that institution I could fly, I could scream, I could pronounce the truth, the missing, the injustice, the pain, the sadness, the lies and that meant everything to me since it was all I had in there it was my only release from that unfair reality. I still wake up sad since my brother and sister are still being kept in a Swedish foster home of course that is unreal and a double feeling I get reminded of it each time I laugh it hurts twice as much as simply crying but after ten months you are out of tears and somehow you try to go on with your life. I do that by writing, singing and creating poetry its the best distraction I ever found, you are so in the moment that time seems to stop sometimes and that is a great feeling.
A lot of things changed I learned a lot of life, love and sadness I want to thank every one for your sweet messages and I want you to know that when I'm feeling defeated and weak I open my email and start reading so thank you for that support. I'm grateful for the kindness I receive for the understanding and for all those little things some of you dreamers tell me each day. I'm gonna share one thing a loyal fan wrote me two days ago
"Angel you make art out of the most difficult pain and you contain it so easily that my heart breaks by hearing your voice. I don't know how you do it pouring tears in your words and turn them into pearls but I hope you will keep on making beautiful songs amazing ones and that many more artists want to work with you because you are fantastic." -Steve Taylor
Thank you so much Steve and all of you dreamers who take the time to write me and support me and my music.
Also what I just have to mention which is a very sweet thing in my life is my current boyfriend he means the world to me and although I know I am sometimes not the most easy girl he is there through everything and that is a feeling I didn't know yet. We love each other so intimately that I hope it will last forever cos although I know forever doesn't exists I still believe in it.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Happy birthday sweet brother
So its a few minutes past my brothers birthday now he turned eleven years old today. Its so strange the way time keeps passing even while he and my sister are still in Sweden a country so far away from ours. Almost 10 months passed but still that last hug I gave them is present in my mind heavily each day.
Today my mind was with my mom on her journey to see them again. Tomorrow is the big day for 4 hours they're reunited, for 4 hours they will be children again instead of the emotionless broken robots their fosterparents force them to be. I still wonder why? Its that question I will probably never get an answer on neither one of us will ever know the reason although its clearly written on the fosterparents bank account.
I wish I could be there for my mom to hold her when she has to leave them again but at the same time I would never be able to feel that kind of pain. I hope she gets through tomorrow and that she will be back home safely. I still hope my brother and sister will soon be home again.
Sweet brother I hope you had a nice birthday and that you enjoy your gifts, that you are strong when mommy has to leave you and your sister again that you both will be brave like always and that you keep hope even when finding the strength for that seems so hard. You will be home again and hopefully that day is soon.
I love you Annelinyo and Serena and I hope you know that you are always on my mind even when I try not to think of the sadness you are always there.
Today my mind was with my mom on her journey to see them again. Tomorrow is the big day for 4 hours they're reunited, for 4 hours they will be children again instead of the emotionless broken robots their fosterparents force them to be. I still wonder why? Its that question I will probably never get an answer on neither one of us will ever know the reason although its clearly written on the fosterparents bank account.
I wish I could be there for my mom to hold her when she has to leave them again but at the same time I would never be able to feel that kind of pain. I hope she gets through tomorrow and that she will be back home safely. I still hope my brother and sister will soon be home again.
Sweet brother I hope you had a nice birthday and that you enjoy your gifts, that you are strong when mommy has to leave you and your sister again that you both will be brave like always and that you keep hope even when finding the strength for that seems so hard. You will be home again and hopefully that day is soon.
I love you Annelinyo and Serena and I hope you know that you are always on my mind even when I try not to think of the sadness you are always there.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
The waking up this morning
I know I have not been writing for a while guess I was a bit too distracted by love for the right words and I still am I mean I awoke searching for his hands this morning.
I feel alive when we're together being out of the deadly stage I slowly became familiar with. I wish to be the best version of myself for him but the constant competing with myself creates such a restlessness within me still I don't know how to avoid it. I never feared "goodbye" as much as this time I mostly filled the hollowness with more hollow things to stay in front of that moment "goodbye" couldn't sting me but right now the word alone hostages me and my thoughts. I shake by thinking of it, it became a small earthquake in me. The panic breaths free for a while when I'm in his presence its as if life stops from twisting and turning how I love that freedom.
I think of love as the burning flame on an eternal candle it guides you in the darkness, is still visible through the light of day while it makes you fear the rain and each bit of storm cos there is always this chance the flame fades too far. That possibility is lurking on the background and sometimes I wish for a moment of knowing truly our candle will burn forever. I know that is asking for the impossible cos I will never know and that is the cause of the ever blowing storm in me. I am aware that questing everything because of my own doubts isn't an easy thing to deal with. I really try to suppress my constant need for reassurance its just that sometimes I can't trust my own judgement since it failed me in the past. I lose my mind in love and let my heart take over and because of my hearts needfullness I can't really trust it. I'm the kind of person who wants to control my feelings and love is the one thing that makes me forget all about it. As free as it makes me there's this downside of constant fear
"What if he will get tired of me?"
"What if he will find someone less complicated?"
"What if he finds me too suffocating?"
What if, what if I hate those words so much but they're such a big part of me nowadays and when I talk with those few that know me perhaps a bit they tell me not to worry "If there comes a day he wants to leave you then just let him you will have someone else in a minute" Well thanks for the advice if only it was that easy this time but it will not work that way, it did in the past since its easy to go on when someone you don't really love leaves but it would not be able to compare to him. Our being together is different from all the times I was"together" this time it really feels like we are so how do you go on from that? I don't know and that's why I'm terrified for it to end. So to those who think they understand only the slightest bit believe me you don't that kind of advice only tells me how little you know of me. It isn't telling me anything I already know guys are easy to find for me on each and every street corner could be my husband that is not the problem not even part of the problem. It is a matter of fact very easy to understand I want to maintain him and him alone for the rest of my life I don't want someone else I want him and you know what it is not that I can't live without him cos I know I can its just that I would choose not to. We´re all free in making choices and I will always choose him. I know its not good to make someone the center of your own existence yet I wouldn't even want it differently.
I wonder if it is possible to love someone too much I guess it is and even if I could change it which I can't I don't even think I would since I believe there's no such thing as loving halfway. My heart just hopes that our love will last so that I can.
I feel alive when we're together being out of the deadly stage I slowly became familiar with. I wish to be the best version of myself for him but the constant competing with myself creates such a restlessness within me still I don't know how to avoid it. I never feared "goodbye" as much as this time I mostly filled the hollowness with more hollow things to stay in front of that moment "goodbye" couldn't sting me but right now the word alone hostages me and my thoughts. I shake by thinking of it, it became a small earthquake in me. The panic breaths free for a while when I'm in his presence its as if life stops from twisting and turning how I love that freedom.
I think of love as the burning flame on an eternal candle it guides you in the darkness, is still visible through the light of day while it makes you fear the rain and each bit of storm cos there is always this chance the flame fades too far. That possibility is lurking on the background and sometimes I wish for a moment of knowing truly our candle will burn forever. I know that is asking for the impossible cos I will never know and that is the cause of the ever blowing storm in me. I am aware that questing everything because of my own doubts isn't an easy thing to deal with. I really try to suppress my constant need for reassurance its just that sometimes I can't trust my own judgement since it failed me in the past. I lose my mind in love and let my heart take over and because of my hearts needfullness I can't really trust it. I'm the kind of person who wants to control my feelings and love is the one thing that makes me forget all about it. As free as it makes me there's this downside of constant fear
"What if he will get tired of me?"
"What if he will find someone less complicated?"
"What if he finds me too suffocating?"
What if, what if I hate those words so much but they're such a big part of me nowadays and when I talk with those few that know me perhaps a bit they tell me not to worry "If there comes a day he wants to leave you then just let him you will have someone else in a minute" Well thanks for the advice if only it was that easy this time but it will not work that way, it did in the past since its easy to go on when someone you don't really love leaves but it would not be able to compare to him. Our being together is different from all the times I was"together" this time it really feels like we are so how do you go on from that? I don't know and that's why I'm terrified for it to end. So to those who think they understand only the slightest bit believe me you don't that kind of advice only tells me how little you know of me. It isn't telling me anything I already know guys are easy to find for me on each and every street corner could be my husband that is not the problem not even part of the problem. It is a matter of fact very easy to understand I want to maintain him and him alone for the rest of my life I don't want someone else I want him and you know what it is not that I can't live without him cos I know I can its just that I would choose not to. We´re all free in making choices and I will always choose him. I know its not good to make someone the center of your own existence yet I wouldn't even want it differently.
I wonder if it is possible to love someone too much I guess it is and even if I could change it which I can't I don't even think I would since I believe there's no such thing as loving halfway. My heart just hopes that our love will last so that I can.
Writing all kind of new things
I´m busy writing new songs and poetry for the moment I find the honesty of music combined with the truth in my words a great combination to proceed with.
Monday, March 31, 2014
New track
Listen to my newest track "Let the angels take their place"
The song is about a love that goes far beyond death and a inner desire to belong forever with that person.
Also please keep liking me on facebook and my website and don't forget to follow me on twitter and soundcloud. Thank you every one
Thursday, March 20, 2014
For "The one" who knows he is.
As I find myself waking up by the sound of your text my thoughts wonder off. I don't easily love something more than being present in someone's mind. I waited in patience staring at empty screens countless so many countless times. Wondering, doubting but you, you don't give me the chance for that since you're always present. Although we're not together all the time there seems to be no absence between you and I there is no distance so far and it would mean the world to me if you would always keep it the exact same for as long as ''we'' are we.
I know that I am emotional, intense and difficult I'm well aware of that fact but if you can handle that I will give you the kind of love which is everlasting, dreamy and fully without regret. This love which some may find too heavy, obsessive and reckless might be what describes me. I hold on so tightly to someone who wants to be hold at the same time the ones who had to leave I let go without telling them a word.
I believe in fairytales, it are the only books capturing the blackest pages which turn to the purest white just because of love and I refuse to believe after hearing so much hearts warning me telling me it doesn't exist well what if it does?
Sure I have felt like this before, more than once or twice what might make the difference this time is that you might actually feel like I.
It takes a lot to convince me, to shelter my heart inside of someone else's is something I haven't done for quite a long time. I do carry the sense you are worth the biggest place in mine.
My life is far from easy ever since my family got separated and destroyed, my mind might be heavy and I cry a lot and you might have no idea how much it saves me to be hold, how much it saves me to just belong inside a kiss and to think of completely nothing to find in your arms the ease and gentle rest. After all the pressure, nightmares, trials but most of all, all the sad. I feel so happy in the moments we spent that I almost feel guilty for it since then it feels like I nearly forget the pain and hopelessness which surrounds each bit.
I really hope that you're not ever going to let me go because as much as I hate to admit it I never needed someone more than I need you right now and I hope you will always be that someone which for me will mean that ''You're the one'' I believe you only find that person when your heart has been broken enough. I can only say I hope mine has so it can stay yours and I want yours to be mine forever more and more and more.
I know that I am emotional, intense and difficult I'm well aware of that fact but if you can handle that I will give you the kind of love which is everlasting, dreamy and fully without regret. This love which some may find too heavy, obsessive and reckless might be what describes me. I hold on so tightly to someone who wants to be hold at the same time the ones who had to leave I let go without telling them a word.
I believe in fairytales, it are the only books capturing the blackest pages which turn to the purest white just because of love and I refuse to believe after hearing so much hearts warning me telling me it doesn't exist well what if it does?
Sure I have felt like this before, more than once or twice what might make the difference this time is that you might actually feel like I.
It takes a lot to convince me, to shelter my heart inside of someone else's is something I haven't done for quite a long time. I do carry the sense you are worth the biggest place in mine.
My life is far from easy ever since my family got separated and destroyed, my mind might be heavy and I cry a lot and you might have no idea how much it saves me to be hold, how much it saves me to just belong inside a kiss and to think of completely nothing to find in your arms the ease and gentle rest. After all the pressure, nightmares, trials but most of all, all the sad. I feel so happy in the moments we spent that I almost feel guilty for it since then it feels like I nearly forget the pain and hopelessness which surrounds each bit.
I really hope that you're not ever going to let me go because as much as I hate to admit it I never needed someone more than I need you right now and I hope you will always be that someone which for me will mean that ''You're the one'' I believe you only find that person when your heart has been broken enough. I can only say I hope mine has so it can stay yours and I want yours to be mine forever more and more and more.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Think of love
I pity those who think they know love,
talking foolishly of it unknowing the core.
Those who wake up together in hatred,
forgotten how to be while acting as if still lovers.
I think of love never fully yet whole.
Its complex form always changing,
and when you think you understand you realize you don't know it at all.
No one knows love for it can't be known only felt.
Its invisible shades can't be gazed upon,
yet it meets you, changes you, makes you whole.
Loves creates while at the same time it takes all.
talking foolishly of it unknowing the core.
Those who wake up together in hatred,
forgotten how to be while acting as if still lovers.
I think of love never fully yet whole.
Its complex form always changing,
and when you think you understand you realize you don't know it at all.
No one knows love for it can't be known only felt.
Its invisible shades can't be gazed upon,
yet it meets you, changes you, makes you whole.
Loves creates while at the same time it takes all.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Thought for tonight
Made a poetic quest with just some random thoughts of mine.
What if
What if my disaster isn't easy enough for you to fit in
my doubts might be too big
my worries too deep
what if my wanting is not what you are used to
perhaps I inhale too heavy
or my lust too loud for you to bear
What if my heart is a too early filled image of you and me
you´re heart might not even be ready
and you´re mind finds it far too early to believe
What if my dreams are too empty for you to find a place
my pain might be out of your reach
and my silence might be too silent for you to sleep
What if the best version of me has to be better
which I can´t change
you might have been looking for someone different then me
What if we're not as similar as we first believed
maybe I annoy you
or we are just not meant to be
What if the fears I hold you can't vanish in me
I might be feeling you slowly letting go
while time steals like a thief
What if my tears are too present for you to dry
perhaps you're not able to fix my broken heart inside
I might I love yours more than you will ever love mine.
What if
What if my disaster isn't easy enough for you to fit in
my doubts might be too big
my worries too deep
what if my wanting is not what you are used to
perhaps I inhale too heavy
or my lust too loud for you to bear
What if my heart is a too early filled image of you and me
you´re heart might not even be ready
and you´re mind finds it far too early to believe
What if my dreams are too empty for you to find a place
my pain might be out of your reach
and my silence might be too silent for you to sleep
What if the best version of me has to be better
which I can´t change
you might have been looking for someone different then me
What if we're not as similar as we first believed
maybe I annoy you
or we are just not meant to be
What if the fears I hold you can't vanish in me
I might be feeling you slowly letting go
while time steals like a thief
What if my tears are too present for you to dry
perhaps you're not able to fix my broken heart inside
I might I love yours more than you will ever love mine.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
In love with love
I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.
I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.
I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.
It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.
What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.
I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.
Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.
Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link http://vimeo.com/36289832
I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.
I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.
It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.
What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.
I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.
Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.
Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link http://vimeo.com/36289832
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Legal human trafficking Sweden
This song owns most of what´s still left of my heart, its about the daily missing of my little brother and sister
who I haven´t seen in 7 months I miss those sweet little faces each minute of the day and I can´t understand why this had to happen to my family but I guess I wouldn´t wish any family to go through this. No one will be truly able to understand what this is like until you go through it and experience it yourself. I sang this song as a freestyle the words seem to have been inside of my soul ever since this all started happening I guess that´s why I could sing this in just one single recording and it turned out even better than I thought the song would become. It shows how happy my family was and how much fun we had while at the same time it shows the way the Swedish social workers and the police destroyed our family and a little part of it at the beginning also shows in what kind of deep sadness my brother and sister are because they don´t understand why. It is impossible to explain because there simply is no reason for this, we were just a family from Holland on vacation in Sweden and this was not even permitted to happen, something so unthinkable and wrong.
Then you also have to start wondering yourself. You go through all the why´s and possible reasons of why Sweden is doing this and when you start counting up everything you even have to bare the knowledge that they do this for just money purposes and that over the back of innocent children and innocent parents. Sweden doesn´t care about destroying families as long as their wallets keep getting refilled. I want every one to be aware of this, of the things that are going on in the corrupt government system of Sweden. So please every one who reads this please share this video and this post and keep yourself informed by reading also my other blog about Sweden only http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/
Lyrics of my song
(Beginning poem)
Its like a nightmare you can´t wake up from as if that little world you always trusted on would keep existing just shattered. Like the ground underneath faded and you are only surrounded by despair within hopeless screams. Promissing yourself to hold them each night before you fall asleep, you can almost touch their soft faces while their thousands of milles away its not the you missing them which kills you its the knowing that they miss you in that same unbearable way. Sweet little brother and sister you will be home again.
(Verse 1)
I know a place where the grass is green
where the trees are never dying
I know what it feels like to believe in something
Oh I held your baby feet and your little hands
how they surrounded me
(Chorus)
Oh I miss you so
and this feeling inside stays unbearable
(Bridge)
I hold on to the wishing
all the praying
but it remains unthinkable
that this could happen to us all
(Verse 2)
Now you´re both so far away from me
and mommy still cries when she´s asleep
and she doesn´t even dare to dream
no she doesn´t even dare to dream
afraid she might feel
so afraid she might feel
(Bridge)
When does it end
when does it end
when does the missing leads us somewhere
when does it stop this punishment
(Verse 3)
This is the kind of fight we couldn´t fight
cos there is nothing true or right
they took you from us reasonless
and we pay the price
for their takes and their papers
oh this goes so far beyond their conscience
while our hearts bleed
how they bleed each night
more dead than alive
(Chorus)
Oh we miss you so
how we miss you
oh lord please let them come home
(Verse 4)
What happened to the kindness to the people
can it not come out of their selfish shell
and show us Sweden´s human after all
show us Sweden´s human after all
(Chorus)
I miss you so sweet brave sister
I miss you so little couragous brother
stay heroes until you´re home
stay heroes until you´re back home.
Friday, January 31, 2014
What is Europe?
Its crazy to visualize yourself inside a situation in which you have no control whatsoever, its such a strange place to be and I guess I try to ignore the fact that we are. The appeal is over, the trial didn´t go as my mom expected and the lies that have been told again once more proofless took our breaths away so deeply we couldn´t even sigh. Even the organization defense of children couldn´t understand why this happened in the first place but Sweden doesn´t care about the laws each country in Europe has to follow. In the end what are the boundaries of those guidelines? I wonder how something of which every one tells us its impossible happens. How can it happen, how did it happen and why hasn´t it ended a long time ago?
All those questions carry nothing but a smell of money and the euro sign has never been as heavy as in this case. My little brother and sister are their taxes and that´s all they mean a single paycheck. Isn´t it crazy how everything shatters out of the greed of others and that innocent children are used as a source I have no further words for this.
My mom cries again, the last 6 months she has been on each step of the staircase and sometimes even she thought she wouldn´t be able to cry more but she always succeeds to reach more tears behind her eyes.
And she is strong although each time she tries to force a smile she again dies a little and I can see it happening but she is still there comforting us, helping us through while even she doesn´t know how to get through this.
And now the waiting started we don´t know what the judge will decide, we can only wish in this last moments of uncertainty that he will do what is right. Which is bringing my little brother and sister back home to their own country with their family and friends in their own language. We can only hope that this 7 month during nightmare will finally come to an end and that Sweden starts acting human again.
All those questions carry nothing but a smell of money and the euro sign has never been as heavy as in this case. My little brother and sister are their taxes and that´s all they mean a single paycheck. Isn´t it crazy how everything shatters out of the greed of others and that innocent children are used as a source I have no further words for this.
My mom cries again, the last 6 months she has been on each step of the staircase and sometimes even she thought she wouldn´t be able to cry more but she always succeeds to reach more tears behind her eyes.
And she is strong although each time she tries to force a smile she again dies a little and I can see it happening but she is still there comforting us, helping us through while even she doesn´t know how to get through this.
And now the waiting started we don´t know what the judge will decide, we can only wish in this last moments of uncertainty that he will do what is right. Which is bringing my little brother and sister back home to their own country with their family and friends in their own language. We can only hope that this 7 month during nightmare will finally come to an end and that Sweden starts acting human again.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Tomorrow will the pain start or end let us wish for everything to be alright
Tomorrow is the day, going up or under. I never wished, prayed as much for things to work out right. The whole day the look of my little brother and sisters hopeful faces haunt me but I believe in their hope though I´m terrified inside and that fear is hard to bare so I supress what I feel pretty well for now. I know that tomorrow at 1pm my breath will slow for a moment and my heart will be only beating for them. I hope this judge will act human, that he´s realistic and reasonable I mean how can you punish someone for being innocent, how can you make children the victim without any charges of whatsoever. I don´t know I just know that I hope this nightmare will be over after tomorrow. That the desicion will be our release and espacially the release of my mom. Since she became just a shade of who she used to be, a skinny tearfilled frame of a woman who always sacreficed everything for her children. We are the center of her universe always were always will. That makes it this unfair and hard to swallow for every one. Well I hope every one who reads this will think about my little brother and sister tomorrow at 1 pm and that you all wish for them to return home.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Making new tracks
Making new tracks is always fun, its total concentration and that´s why I love doing it
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Deception trapped me again
So this Year started out great for me (Not) I met another deception. This one even worse then the most I have met. So this guy knew my core, my secrets, my dreams and all the fears I had hidden. I only knew him for about two weeks. Yeah you can go ahead call me crazy, a sucker for love. Tell me something I don´t know yet about myself. His betrayal did him nothing, never thought twice of the lies he spoke in clear broad daylight. I could put up with his stupid jokes and the way he got annoyed by my small spelling mistakes.
The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.
I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.
What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.
Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.
My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.
Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.
I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.
Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.
The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.
I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.
What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.
Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.
My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.
Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.
I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.
Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A first date that felt like I knew him already
So yesterday I was for a moment outside of my daily stressful life. For a while no crying mom on the background and not the constant reminding of the missing of my little brother and sister. It was the first time in a long time that I actually had fun and felt free of mind. Although I left my date waiting a hour for me which was not my intention but yeah I guess I come late so now and than. I finally entered the doors of the Starbucks and you can say that the tension really got to me the moment someone suddenly started waving at me, I thought in my head "Please let it not be him." then I remembered that he texted me he was siting on the right side and this was clearly left. So I passed by the weirdo and looked around me if I could sense any glimpse of the one I came for.
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
Don´t forget to check out my music or add me on facebook http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
After clearly observing the place I found him, sitting in the back. He seemed relax, tense at the same time and by the look in his eyes I saw that he was not angry about me being late although of course he brought it up "I will definitely get my revenge for this one." I replied laughing as he was laughing with me in that moment. We hugged, it was the kind of hug that gives you the instant chills but of course I wanted to play it cool not letting him notice any of that. I had no idea where we would go, never cared as little. I guess I felt for a moment like a untouched flower without a history without a story and I liked that feeling to be a clean page for a while without someone writing bullshit on it.
We went to a Zoo, that made me laugh, they charged him way too much for way too little but I don´t think either one of us cared. I don´t even remember what animals I saw since I was way too occupied by watching every move he made towards me. His jokes which are sometimes just a bit too much together with his charming attitude made him everything I never expected to want but it turns out that I do.
I guess nothing seemed as heavy through our laughter but still it seemed real more real than my engagement at the beach last year. Still the thought that I could have had everything by now leaves me breathless sometimes, knowing that I was so close winning the war called love and still ended up lost. I´m the kind of girl who´s life is small and I was satisfied with even smaller things, but if even small things never happen maybe I should try to dream bigger. Its not a secret that I have been chewed on and spitted out by love, that it left me empty most of the time.
Its strange that most men desire to have me as theirs but they were never strong enough inside to keep me, to act up and stay. All the promises I have heard and counted which never came true, talking about apartments, houses starting families and where did it left me. Still alone, the never ending fact I try to change so desperately that they can smell my hopelessness inside of my Dior perfume but not this time. I became aware of my silent calling and turned it off I´m done with being scared to end up alone, I already am.
I wonder if he felt that as we walked around passing by different cages of animals, its unbelievable that I already let him held my hand after just 10 minutes of being together. I guess he could feel that I´m sensitive for that kind of actions and that I would not have been able to refuse that kind of closeness.
After a while of walking around laughing and joking nearly drowning inside of the sweetest sarcasm we suddenly stopped, I have to say he picked the right spot. The grass was definitely greener there than in the entire zoo. After our breaths intertwined he kissed me softly, it was a kiss that left a lot over to imagination. Not too much, not too little but just right. I felt back being a teenager again so carefree that nothing could make me worried in that moment but of course my reminding`s of life and reality will always be calling me to watch out.
After the zoo closed we went to the parking garage, before the date even started I promised myself not to do that. To never get in a car with a stranger but I guess my feelings tricked me there. He already didn´t felt like a stranger to me anymore and that´s where things can become dangerous luckily my senses nearly never abandon me so if it feels right it mostly is, at least for the moment.
Of course I was cautious many scenarios went through my mind he could have been a murderer or a psychopath but life is a big risk you can be murdered even when you´re 2 years married with that person of course there is less chance but still something can always break inside someones brain. We talked, touched and watched each other as if time didn´t exist and the world was just outside our reach, and we were just laying there spinning inside of sweet circles.
I asked him "Are you serious with me, or is this just fucking around?" and he laughed blinked with his long eyelashes while saying. "If I wasn´t serious about you, do you think I would want to know so much and talk about your family and things like that." I looked straight in his eyes, and all I could do was believe him. As hard as that is for me, to believe someone after all the lies I touched in my life and about my life. All I truly want is the truth, its the thing I like the most of life and it keeps me real.
Of course we played a lot of games in the car, to determine our powers to each other but in the end it doesn´t matter as long as your hearts match and you can sink deep inside of someones eyes. As usual I acted tough make use of that quality as long as I can I know once I´m caught inside my own feelings of affection towards someone they have the power over me. I can already see myself sitting with the phone in my hands waiting for a call or text after another promise gets broken I can´t count how many times that happened.
Always on the same moment when I start thinking "This is love, this will last, this is mine." Its just a illusion and as long as I don´t allow my heart to be broken it won´t as long as I don´t fall in love, I won´t fall but how long am I able to do that when a single touch of his strangles me? I have no idea I just know that I have to be careful, maybe its stupid to like him, he might be a player the kind of guy who jokes around with each girl he meets and perhaps its foolish to think he would ever turn out to be truly mine but what if he is? There´s so much doubt in life, so much uncertainty but I like the thought that his complicity might overshadow mine and that he´s dark enough to see my light.
He might be right in the end that he´s the one standing on the other side of my endless tunnel. If he isn´t my answer to loneliness, then of course there will come someone else not shortly after. It will go the same I will still dream the same so nothing might ever change but at least I can tell myself, comfort myself with the thought that I tried, that I loved and that it wasn´t my fault. Of course I will miss him, perhaps just the same like all the ghosts inside of my diary, he might be another crack inside of my so broken heart but hey he might be the clue that fixes it.
I don´t know, will never know only time does and as impatient as I am I have to learn how to wait, how to be less of a suffocater and be within the moment instead of tomorrow. To trust no matter how hard that is, trust is the only way. I hope he stays my prince and that I will stay his princess for as long as possible. I already came a long way I mean there is only one thing worst than sleeping with someone on a first date and that is saying the forbidden phrase "I love you." Since we didn´t do any of those two I´m still pretty safe for the moment and with that I end this way too long written blog post.
I hope every one appreciates my honest and Hunny If you are reading this, I hope you understand my world and where I´m coming from and that you are worth it to trust. Good, day, afternoon or night dreamers!
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Monday, December 16, 2013
Sign the petition against the kidnapping of my brother and sister by the Swedish government
Help me and my family get my little brother and sister back. Follow the link and Sign our petition please.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Tears on my sisters face
Last Friday we talked again to my little sister and brother. Their hearts so visually broken that we could watch it in the way they looked in that camera lens. The constant rejecting of tears from both sides of the empty screen since our universe became so filled with sorrow that its impossible to ignore. Its so deep rooted in us, the missing, the haunting memories, the insecure thoughts of when they return home. Its unbelievable how far some people go to keep their wallets filled, throwing small children into a pool of despair just so they can buy more luxury more hollowness and I don´t understand why, why it takes so long for every one to find out what´s going on in Sweden, why it takes so long for them to be released, for our wishes to find them cos we´ve been sitting on the ground for so long, begging constantly for a higher power to interfere.
I looked into my sisters eyes last Friday, almost touched the pain in it. She shared another story about how she´s bullied, how the son of the family hits her and how my little brother stood there unable to do anything about it out of fear. As the son knocked her to the floor he could feel her hopelessness but couldn´t even raise his voice. "I will be blamed for it." His guilt spoke. And of course we understood. We understand everything little hero. I hope you will never feel that any of this is your fault cos it most certainly isn´t. Its never your fault my two beautiful strong sweetnesses. You can´t win from evil but please let it never change who you are, let this hell not define who you have always been. Stay our precious babies, don´t let the sadness make you grow keep playing with barbie dolls and race cars instead of crying and wondering about time. One day you will be in our arms again, we don´t know when but keep hope, strength, believe and faith very close to your hearts and remember "Love will always win."
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Friday, November 29, 2013
Help us
Help me wish that my brother and sister will be released from Sweden and their foster parents before christmas 2013 and that we can spend New years eve together. Annelinyo and Serena we love you forever and always will and soon very soon our prayers will be found and you´ll be home again keep faith and courage my sweetnesses soon we will hug you tight and never let go.
Help us get them back!!!
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