In love with love

I have glanced down while watching love leave from a safe distance, feeling nothing while that nothing was the hardest feeling of all and the meaning of it was so frightening. I have kissed lips that turned out to be nothing more than just lips was still smiling looking tearlessly beautiful as my heart broke in it. I have heard countless apologies, unbearable silences and purposeless words and I looked away each time and not once I have spoken while my mouth begged for more. Kept each letter hidden underneath my bed as most of my nights lay down in that wet ink. My questions were always based on “what if” scenario's and most answers couldn't ease my fear. The loneliness I can't face is the poison around my heart and the biggest reason why I always fall into the same lakes. The drowning, the drowning feels sometimes good since I don't have to swim and worry about what might be on land.

I'm terrified to surrender, that's why I don't and I always attracted the guys who weren't even worth falling for but it was so easy not to care, comfortable and safe. Although they had my heart they never got carried away and when it was over it was just over. Its not hard to be the one that loves all the time unconditionally, obsessive almost. I smothered love with my eyes, the intensity inside of my gaze combined with a light sense of need. I needed it to be love but what are they now?
Nameless photographs, painful images, empty thoughts filled with an unexplainable desire to belong in someones arms.

I wonder, I have always wondered why it has been so hard to love me. I have been: liked, adored, admired, desired but yet loved never found its way into that list. I always remember a phrase of an ex "You make your love so hard to breath through that I suffocate in it." As he said it I realized it was true and I tried to chance that trying to be less awake but even there in the deepest sleep I still held his hands tighter and tighter while feeling him going further and further away from me. It left me with just a postcard, that was all.

It's strange how I am always there for others but the moment I break down there's not one of them there for me. Suddenly their numbers don't work or it takes days for them to write me back while I need someone that instant, I wonder if its that much to ask. To be captured when I'm falling when the sorrow is just waiting to attack. Is it so unthinkable these days to crave for that kind of rest you find by laying your head on someones lap.

What is expensive jewelry worth when it only contains the absence when all I needed was hands to hold and his last name. Now someone else is wearing it probably and I hope that person doesn't feel the same. For me it meant nothing, those gifts were just a distraction for all the nights he wasn't there and as much as I love to be spoiled still it could never be slightly enough for me to pretend.

I look for that one thing not many are able to posses, that one thing every one searches for but denies from deep within themselves and I'm not scared of going down in it. I want it to be the closest to perfect and the farest from pain, the reason I dream and why I am awake. I want it to feel like nothing I have ever felt or imagined before and that its able to erase each crack inside my soul. I need it to be the easiest natural thing and an ever lasting source of bliss. I want it to be fearless, doubtless and real but most of all I want him to feel the exact same as I do.

Not many can live up to the expectations of what I just described, many don't even dare to believe it exists a love as deep as mine and yes I am a dreamer and I will always stay that way. I just know its out there and I have the feeling I might be meeting someone soon who feels the same.

Last but not least I would like to share a poem a good friend told me it describes who I am pretty well and ever since I heard it I fell in love with the poet who made it Warsan Shire. She´s an amazing artist so I hope every one will enjoy. Just follow the link http://vimeo.com/36289832

Birthday wish for my little sister.

Today my little sister Serena became 8 years old. I remember the first time I held her in my hands all safe and unharmed by life. I travel to that moment so many times as I hear her laughter and touch her joy in memory and then I see her empty lingering eyes on my screen while my little brother tells her not to cry cos else they can´t talk to us anymore. A broken page inside such a beautiful book they became. I can not even talk about the missing even if I would find the words to describe it I can´t write them down for they would be too heavy for anyone to bare. I can only say I miss her, we miss her, we miss them with every fiber of who we are, who we were.

Its the first time we don´t eat cake and inside my heart I´m singing happy birthday to her hoping she feels it through her sadness as she blows the candles of a tasteless cake. She doesn´t have to tell me or anyone what her wish is since its written all over her face.

My mom will be sitting silently and exhausted in an airplane seat today and tomorrow she sees them for the first time in 8 months and we all know that her heart will be torn appart when she has to leave again. I can´t imagine being as strong as she is. I wouldn´t even dare to go, the confrontation alone would be too unbearable for me I rather stay in the distance from it all. My mom is such an incredible strong woman she just shelters her pain and looks through the fear for just 2 hours of holding them. Those 2 hours will make her 10 years older but she doesn´t mind as long as she finds that bliss and has those 2 hours with them.

I hope every one will keep my little brother and sister in their hearts and please keep wishing for them to be home soon.

I made this song and as usual I recorded it at home in a freestyle way. The words were there hidden in my soul and pain and its all for her, for my little sister Serena who has become 8 years old today. She has her birthday and has to celebrate it with strange people in a strange country and why? To keep Sweden´s social money going. Its 8 months now since I have seen my little brother and sister and I still can´t believe this is happening. Today my family´s heart breaks just a little more since we never thought we would ever have to celebrate a birthday like this. Please keep my little brother and sister in your heart and keep wishing for them to return home soon.

Lyrics

You´re not here today
we can´t blow candles today
oh this shattered cake on the table is too bitter to taste
is too bitter to take
you´re 8 years old now

but your tears are so heavy
you feel so heavy
and I can´t tell you when its over
when its over?
I quest touching this cross chain around my neck
patience strikes we survive in it
but time
oh time
grips us so different

this birthday blows the pain into our hearts
right into our hearts
oh Serena
sweet Serena
you are in our hearts
and soon you'll be back home
with your brother on your hand

The amazing compostion "You and I" I used is from Christoph Sebastien.

To follow the story about my family go to
http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/

To contact me this is where you can find me:
http://angelunthinkable.wix.com/site
http://facebook.com/unthinkablelifeofanangel
http://angelunthinkable.bandcamp.com
http://twitter.com/angelunthinkabl
https://soundcloud.com/angel-unthinkable

Legal human trafficking Sweden

This song owns most of what´s still left of my heart, its about the daily missing of my little brother and sister

who I haven´t seen in 7 months I miss those sweet little faces each minute of the day and I can´t understand why this had to happen to my family but I guess I wouldn´t wish any family to go through this. No one will be truly able to understand what this is like until you go through it and experience it yourself. I sang this song as  a freestyle the words seem to have been inside of my soul ever since this all started happening I guess that´s why I could sing this in just one single recording and it turned out even better than I thought the song would become. It shows how happy my family was and how much fun we had while at the same time it shows the way the Swedish social workers and the police destroyed our family and a little part of it at the beginning also shows in what kind of deep sadness my brother and sister are because they don´t understand why. It is impossible to explain because there simply is no reason for this, we were just a family from Holland on vacation in Sweden and this was not even permitted to happen, something so unthinkable and wrong.

Then you also have to start wondering yourself. You go through all the why´s and possible reasons of why Sweden is doing this and when you start counting up everything you even have to bare the knowledge that they do this for just money purposes and that over the back of innocent children and innocent parents. Sweden doesn´t care about destroying families as long as their wallets keep getting refilled. I want every one to be aware of this, of the things that are going on in the corrupt government system of Sweden. So please every one who reads this please share this video and this post and keep yourself informed by reading also my other blog about Sweden only http://swedenthelandwithouthumanity.blogspot.be/

Lyrics of my song 

(Beginning poem)

Its like a nightmare you can´t wake up from as if that little world you always trusted on would keep existing just shattered. Like the ground underneath faded and you are only surrounded by despair within hopeless screams. Promissing yourself to hold them each night before you fall asleep, you can almost touch their soft faces while their thousands of milles away its not the you missing them which kills you its the knowing that they miss you in that same unbearable way. Sweet little brother and sister you will be home again.

(Verse 1)

I know a place where the grass is green

where the trees are never dying

I know what it feels like to believe in something

Oh I held your baby feet and your little hands 

how they surrounded me 

(Chorus)

Oh I miss you so

and this feeling inside stays unbearable 

(Bridge)

I hold on to the wishing 

all the praying

but it remains unthinkable 

that this could happen to us all

(Verse 2)

Now you´re both so far away from me 

and mommy still cries when she´s asleep

and she doesn´t even dare to dream

no she doesn´t even dare to dream

afraid she might feel

so afraid she might feel

(Bridge)

When does it end

when does it end

when does the missing leads us somewhere

when does it stop this punishment

(Verse 3)

This is the kind of fight we couldn´t fight

cos there is nothing true or right

they took you from us reasonless

and we pay the price

for their takes and their papers

oh this goes so far beyond their conscience

while our hearts bleed 

how they bleed each night

more dead than alive

(Chorus)

Oh we miss you so

how we miss you

oh lord please let them come home

(Verse 4)

What happened to the kindness to the people

can it not come out of their selfish shell

and show us Sweden´s human after all

show us Sweden´s human after all

(Chorus)

I miss you so sweet brave sister

I miss you so little couragous brother

stay heroes until you´re home

stay heroes until you´re back home.

What is Europe?

Its crazy to visualize yourself inside a situation in which you have no control whatsoever, its such a strange place to be and I guess I try to ignore the fact that we are. The appeal is over, the trial didn´t go as my mom expected and the lies that have been told again once more proofless took our breaths away so deeply we couldn´t even sigh. Even the organization defense of children couldn´t understand why this happened in the first place but Sweden doesn´t care about the laws each country in Europe has to follow. In the end what are the boundaries of those guidelines? I wonder how something of which every one tells us its impossible happens. How can it happen, how did it happen and why hasn´t it ended a long time ago?

All those questions carry nothing but a smell of money and the euro sign has never been as heavy as in this case. My little brother and sister are their taxes and that´s all they mean a single paycheck. Isn´t it crazy how everything shatters out of the greed of others and that innocent children are used as a source I have no further words for this.

My mom cries again, the last 6 months she has been on each step of the staircase and sometimes even she thought she wouldn´t be able to cry more but she always succeeds to reach more tears behind her eyes.
And she is strong although each time she tries to force a smile she again dies a little and I can see it happening but she is still there comforting us, helping us through while even she doesn´t know how to get through this.

And now the waiting started we don´t know what the judge will decide, we can only wish in this last moments of uncertainty that he will do what is right. Which is bringing my little brother and sister back home to their own country with their family and friends in their own language. We can only hope that this 7 month during nightmare will finally come to an end and that Sweden starts acting human again.

Tomorrow will the pain start or end let us wish for everything to be alright

Tomorrow is the day, going up or under. I never wished, prayed as much for things to work out right. The whole day the look of my little brother and sisters hopeful faces haunt me but I believe in their hope though I´m terrified inside and that fear is hard to bare so I supress what I feel pretty well for now. I know that tomorrow at 1pm my breath will slow for a moment and my heart will be only beating for them. I hope this judge will act human, that he´s realistic and reasonable I mean how can you punish someone for being innocent, how can you make children the victim without any charges of whatsoever. I don´t know I just know that I hope this nightmare will be over after tomorrow. That the desicion will be our release and espacially the release of my mom. Since she became just a shade of who she used to be, a skinny tearfilled frame of a woman who always sacreficed everything for her children. We are the center of her universe always were always will. That makes it this unfair and hard to swallow for every one. Well I hope every one who reads this will think about my little brother and sister tomorrow at 1 pm and that you all wish for them to return home.

Searching but not looking

I failed in love. I searched for it without looking and found deceiving hearts, boring carrier lovers, weak lost souls and tired liars. and what for?
Do I not like to be alone or do I refuse to? These are just regular wonders through my imagination as I return home from yet another date.

First dates are like buying a book. First you decide either you like the cover or not, second you read the back and if it seems interesting you perhaps go to the the first page. I like how comfortable the uncomfortable feels and how your mind turns off while watching possibilities in someones eyes. To imagine starting completely over to uncover the secrets of a new heart and deciding or it would beat with yours. I don´t know or everyone has those thoughts on first dates, perhaps its just me? Or maybe I know what I ache for too well to hide it. I found it funny that inside the deep blue of his eyes even boring things became interesting he might have noticed how I tried not to stare in them for too long.

We talked about everything and nothing about old scars of our past, the pleasure, the sorrow and the hope within life. I don´t know what it was but through his manly attitude I could still watch the boy in him, the fragility he might try to overshadow but still its visible for someone who´s looking close enough. There´s probably a lot of pain left unspoken in his truth and pain as many things intrigues me. Someone once said to me "I find your work amazing because of the pain it contains and for that reason I wish for it to never end."
I have to admit I found that a strange line from a dedicated fan who´s support I still appreciate, but what I didn´t knew when I read that line for the first time is that he was right if my writing isn´t dark and melancholic I´m not a writer for that´s the emotion I´m good at transferring into words.

Although many think because of what they read that I´m sad often but that´s a untrue image of me I´m a very positive person through the day but I write sad for that´s what I´m good at. I laugh a lot and sometimes even when I feel like crying I pretend to be a beautiful fool who´s always happy but let´s be honest who is always happy?
I never met that person.
Still I only cry for things that are worth crying for, my little brother and sister for example the way I weep for them can´t be compared to any missing lover or whatsoever and for you Sergio sweet lying ex of mine I didn´t shred a tear that´s how unimportant you were for me (I know you read this not because of me or interest in how I am doing as if you would care no simply for your own ego I know people like you too well) I never stand still too long I go on.

After nearly two hours of talking he had to take the bus home another long bus drive (almost 2 hours) which he luckily thought was worth it. As I walked with him to the bus stop I noticed twice a little touch on my shoulder (it are the small things that count the most on first dates) Should I take that or the fantasy talking as a sign? Perhaps both. On our way through what seemed to be the desert we made fun of the farmers architecture and how it seemed there were still no normal cross paths at all but we survived and made it to the other side of the road. There we discussed vegetables never thought that could be as enjoyable as it was but I guess the flirtations in between made it interesting enough to go on about.

Ten minutes never seemed to pass quicker, as he stood ready to gesture the bus like he was a typical New Yorker getting a cab. As the buss pulled over it was time for us to say our sweet goodbye. There was a doubting from both mine and his side as if we didn´t know what to do or what to say for a fraction of a second we just stood there in a certain ballroom dance position looking at each other and that slowed my breath briefly. We were not sure what to do though the intensity in my eyes while looking deeply in his kind of betrayed me from being mysterious and held back. When I see potential I´m not good at hiding it and I definitely didn´t this time. It was a small soft first date kiss not too much but surely not too little and it was pretty unexpected but the good kind of surprise.

I walked home pretty carefree and softly giggling after all I´m still a girl who had a first date and that never gets old. As much as I´m interested in starting to read this book I wanna be sure its written in the write ink especially after all the lies I heard from Sergio though he was far from perfect, my mind is still good at ignoring reality when I like someone. So I try not to get confused already by his way of walking or laughing or talking (there I go, things I shouldn´t think of if I wanna think clear) So I don´t for now, don´t make myself jump to conclusions too fast or too far not yet its too dangerous in the unknown. If I´m just allowed to say one thing something pretty innocent I would say that I like him.

Making new tracks

Making new tracks is always fun, its total concentration and that´s why I love doing it