Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Deception trapped me again

So this Year started out great for me (Not) I met another deception. This one even worse then the most I have met. So this guy knew my core, my secrets, my dreams and all the fears I had hidden. I only knew him for about two weeks. Yeah you can go ahead call me crazy, a sucker for love. Tell me something I don´t know yet about myself. His betrayal did him nothing, never thought twice of the lies he spoke in clear broad daylight. I could put up with his stupid jokes and the way he got annoyed by my small spelling mistakes.

The perfect guy didn´t seem to exist for me anyway, so this time I choose for imperfection thinking it wouldn´t fail me but boy how it did everything turned out to be the biggest mind game my heart ever played. I was nothing more then one more joke for him. He knows so well it was wrong to make me his fool still he didn´t hesitated to go through with it, never even fucking blinked.

I went in full although I never completely trusted him. I thought I shook despair of that dangerous fragrance to wear I guess it didn´t left me yet since he could sense it on me. You can´t imagine how stupid I feel for letting him enter my world, my neverland, my heart just a little. The fact that I again allowed someone to break something in it says more about me than about him. I still believe in love though it knocked me down so hard once more.

What can I say?
Just the truth. When his gaze rested in mine I saw us in castles, rose gardens, on the beach but even when someone is looking in your eyes while making love it doesn´t make it more real.

Do I regret meeting him?
Do I secretly wish that guy that waved at me before he did was him?
Matter of fact, Yes I do!
Sergio I nearly never regretted something more then meeting you.

My love life has been everything but rose colored. Yet I never played for second bride, its a new experience one I never thought could be mine. Being his night mistress for a moment while she stays in his rich arms and with her he will be perfect never burp or fart. I pity the actor he has to be for his piano playing mommy and his business dad a man who couldn´t even comfort his own son while he was almost shot in the head. Oh I pity you and myself a little for actually listening to what you said, I know you didn´t do the same for me else this game would weight to much for your conscience to bare.

Its new years eve as I write this down, my sweet family waits for me downstairs with little pancakes I used to love so much and I am sitting in my bedroom motionless, sick of the thought he kisses his girlfriend in this moment while whispering Love carefree. I hope with my all my heart that she leaves, that he knows for once what its like to sleep alone.

I don´t think he would even care, to feel something you need a heart first of all. Something he clearly doesn´t have else he would never have been able to say "I love you." That pure while never looking down.

Read this carefully Sergio smeets rodrigo, you know who you are when you look in the mirror while brushing your teeth. Although I lost you, like I said in the beginning I always win.
I know what its like to be rich, to walk on marble floors, bathing in mineral water, wearing fancy cloths. I guess most people are made of greed but I know things you will never know; What flying is like, what it feels like to love. I hope you choke in your own pretend liar but believe me you can´t act to be someone you aren´t forever and that´s your biggest punishment. The failure and disappointment you are can´t be suppressed an eternity and when every one finds out who you are, that´s where I win. Remember those words each morning when you put the paste on the brush. I will never forget nor forgive you for what you did.

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